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6
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2 |
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10
= Highest
Rating
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Bizarre.
Nutty. Goofy. Ridiculous. Hilarious. The
Brainiac!
Even for Mexihorror this is one weird, way-out
flick. Abel Salazar (who also produced) stars
as mystery man Baron Vitelius, evil sorcerer and
brain-slurping monster. The story opens in the
year 1661 in Mexico City, where a court of the
Spanish Inquisition is passing sentence on Vitelius
for practicing witchcraft. The reading of the
charges has to be one of the longest such proclamations
put on film —
the guy just drones on and on, launching into
a lengthy report of how the accused withstood
every torture method applied to him without the
slightest effect. All the while Vitelius grins
impishly like a naughty schoolboy mocking his
teacher, suddenly pulling a straight face whenever
the Inquisitor looks his way. (With that we knew
this flick was going to be fun.) He haughtily
dismisses his judges, who order him burned at
the stake for his defiance. When the sentence
is carried out the Baron —
dressed like a Monty Python-ized version of the
Pope — calmly withstands the flames, gazing skyward
to watch the arrival of the fakiest looking comet
ever seen. Aping
the opening sequence of Black
Sunday, Vitelius proclaims a curse on the
Inquisitors, promising his return in 300 years'
time to wreak vengeance on their descendants.
Flash forward three centuries to 1961. Vickie
Contreras (Rosa María Gallardo), descendant of
one of Vitelius' judges, and her boyfriend Ronnie
(Edward Albert lookalike Rubén Rojo) are young
astronomers studying under the tutelage of eminent
scientist Prof. Milan (Luis Aragón, sporting one
of the worst comb-overs
ever). By examining ancient records Milan predicts
the appearance of an unnamed comet last seen 300
years earlier. Sure enough it appears, much to
the trio's delight. A meteor detaches from the
comet and crash-lands (actually it's rather slowly
lowered, accompanied by a slide whistle sound
effect) in a wood not far from Milan's observatory.
The space rock melts open to reveal the monstrous
Brainiac —
Vitelius in his bestial state. An innocent passerby
is attacked, his brain sucked out by the creature's
forked, two-foot long tongue. Vitelius transforms
into human guise after feasting, magically transposing
the victim's dapper business suit onto his own
body. (He leaves the dead guy his T-shirt and
boxers, though... How kind of him!) Vitelius
encounters Vickie and Ronnie, who've come looking
for the meteor, as he's strolling from the woods.
He plays the suave European type and befriends
the couple. Later, he kills a couple of floozies
to dine on their brains.
The murders draw in the police, of course,
in the form of a bald, Jesse Ventura lookalike
inspector (David Silva) and his comic relief partner,
Benny. We learn through dialog that there's also
been a major jewel heist, implying that Vitelius
needed some quick cash to set up new digs. Sure
enough, the next time we see him he's ensconced
in a huge castle-like manor complete with scrawny
old butler (who is amusingly conked on the head
with a flamethrower nozzle at film's end). He
throws a formal dinner party, inviting Vickie,
Ronnie, Milan and the descendants of the other
Inquisitors who condemned him 300 years earlier.
It's all part of the Baron's revenge; once ingratiated
to the descendants he plans to kill them and digest
their gray matter. During the party Vitelius excuses
himself, complaining of an old pain that requires
him to take medicine. This consists of a bowl
full of human brains kept locked in a cupboard.
Apparently he takes occasional spoonfuls to keep
regular...
The Brainiac
is one of the most unintentionally funny flicks
I've seen in quite some time. The plot makes absolutely
no logical sense whatever. The special effects
are incredibly cheap even for a Mexican production
of the period, veering hilariously into Ed Wood
territory. (All of the outdoor shots are just
people standing in front of badly blown up photos
of buildings, hills, etc.) Any moment of potentially
genuine creepiness is totally pissed away by the
ridiculous-looking monster and overwrought acting.
(Most notably a scene in which the Brainiac freezes
Prof. Pantoya [Germán Robles] with a hypnotic
stare, then proceeds to suck out the brains of
the man's pretty daughter right in front of him.
Robles' quivering, pop-eyed stare while the creature
kills the girl had me convulsing with mirth.)
The stilted, often goofy dubbed English dialog
adds immeasurably to the fun. Connoisseurs of
industrial strength fromage should definitely
seek this one out. Make a run for the border!
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Like
the Samson discs released by Beverly Wilshire Filmworks
a few months back, picture quality is bad to mediocre
at best. Taken from a very worn 16mm print, it's
chock full of the usual speckles, dirt and skips.
And as with all the BWF titles, there's that annoying
picture drop-out about halfway through the movie.
Packaging is amateurish but certainly not as inexplicably
generic as that of the Samson
in the Wax Museum DVD. 9 Chapter Stops are listed,
though there are actually 10.
Normally this would result in a "1" DVD rating
from me but I'm inclined to generosity where BWF
is concerned. The disc's relatively low price, coupled
with the cajones it took to actually release a movie
like Brainiac on DVD,
put me in a more forgiving mood. (Note:
As of this writing I've learned that Beverly Wilshire
Filmworks, a very small enterprise, has since gone
out of business. Cult movie fans will be happy to
know that some websites out there still have the
disc in stock, along with other BWF Mexihorror titles.
If you like this kind of stuff, better act fast!
These films are likely never to see the light
of day again on DVD.) 7/05/01
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