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Crass,
silly and just plain dumb, Cheerleader
Ninjas is a well-intentioned throwback
to the cheesy teen sex comedies of the '70s and
early '80s — the
kind my buddies and I would go see at the local
drive-in when I was a nerdy 16-year old, well-provisioned
with alcohol and weed. Functioning brain cells
weren't a requirement for enjoyment of these films;
in fact, they would've proven a hindrance. Such
is the case here, too, as the fart and masturbation
jokes fly fast and furious.
This is not necessarily a bad thing.
The needlessly convoluted 'plot' has a
cabal of conservative Catholic church ladies,
outraged by the proliferation of smut on the Internet,
scheming to take over the worldwide web with the
help of a mysterious computer guru. (Their master
plan: replace all nudie pictures in cyberspace
with a portrait of the Pope.) Because some high
school nerds have posted surreptitiously-snapped
photos of their school's cheerleader squad on
the net, the Church Ladies somehow place the blame
for all web porn on these pompom girls.
(???) Anyway, they recruit the toughest, meanest
bitches at the Blessed Virgin Reform School For
Girls to beat up the cheerleaders, for no other
reason than to set up the comical fight scenes
that later ensue. The reform schoolers' assault
is led by their instructor Stephen (Jeff Nicholson),
a mincing, outrageously stereotyped gay dude who
hates the cheerleaders because they voted against
him joining their squad. (Perhaps the fact that
he's a man well into his 30s had something to
do with the decision.) Faced with such ruthless
enemies, our heroines must swallow their pride
and team up with the school's clique of computer
nerds — the ultimate
social pariahs —
to stop the dastardly conspiracy.
One might think that with a title like
Cheerleader Ninjas
the film would aim primarily at spoofing martial
arts flicks. This isn't the case. Rumbles between
the cheerleaders and the reform school girls are
staged almost as an afterthought —
inflatable love dolls are used as stunt doubles;
at one point the bad girls are backed up by guys
dressed in animal mascot costumes. Instead, the
main sources of humor (aside from the expected
dumb blonde gags) are flatulence, jerking off
and Star Trek... often all at the same
time. The cheerleaders' nerd allies dress in Federation
uniform tunics and often lapse into William Shatner
impersonations. One of the geeks, nicknamed "Flamer",
farts uncontrollably whenever he's in the presence
of attractive females. Another, "Chubby" (cast
standout T. Scott Becker),
is compelled to spank the monkey as he daydreams
of his fantasy girl, a pantyless, pompom porting
Kira Reed (of Playboy TV's Sexcetera and
numerous direct-to-video softcore flicks). Things
go from ridiculous to completely nonsensical when,
during the climactic battle, the reform school
girls and the cheerleaders morph into giant Power
Rangers-style "Mega-zord" robots, stomping on
cardboard models, battering each other with king-size
dildos and (what else?) farting. I think you get
the idea.
Believe
it or not, some of this is actually amusing. I
can't help it —
unapologetic fart jokes make me laugh.
I'm
also a longtime fan of classic Trek, so
(aside from their PCs and laptops) the movie's
nerds definitely reminded me of me and my like-minded
pals some 25 years ago, sitting around and quoting
dialog from the show in between doobie tokes.
(And yes, farting.) The film may be a bit light
in the T & A department for diehard horn-dogs
—
all the tit shots of the cheerleaders are obvious
body double inserts —
but a little bit of the mighty Kira Reed goes
a long way. She doesn't mind getting naked.
Cheerleader Ninjas
is exactly the sort of film intended for
a dorm room full of four-sheets-to-the-wind freshmen
frat boys, the kind who'd be inspired to see if
they can personally top the egregious gas-passing
of the characters on screen. Just try to lay off
the Burger King before watching it, okay fellas?
I mean, no movie's worth dying for....
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