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Commando's
Reagan-era celebration of mindless mayhem and mass destruction
is as brain-dead as they come. Austrian bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger
had just hit the Big Time after his role in 1984's The
Terminator, on his way to becoming (for a time) the biggest
movie star in the world. But for the next couple of years he'd
play essentially the same character. In Raw
Deal (1986) he was Terminator Cop vs. the Mafia. With
Commando it's Terminator Soldier
vs. Evil Dictator.
Produced
by action movie impresario Joel Silver, the latter's plot is
wafer thin —
not to mention unbelievable —
while the acting by the leads is either atrocious or phoned
in long distance (calling Collect, no less). The banal dialog
is riddled with clichés. The body count is ridiculously
huge. The movie's chock full of glaring continuity errors. And
it still manages to be fun!
Ah-nuld
stars as Col. John Matrix, a retired U.S. Special Forces officer
who's left the service to start a new life in the mountains
with his young daughter Jenny, played by a preteen Alyssa Milano.
(Mrs. Matrix is never mentioned.) One day Matrix's former commander,
Gen. Kirby (The Andromeda Strain's
James Olsen) shows up with some alarming news: one by one, members
of Matrix's old commando unit are being assassinated. "You've
made enemies all over the world, John," says Kirby. "It
could be the Syrians, the South Americans, the Russians, or
a terrorist group." He warns Matrix to lie low and be on
guard until the unknown killers are identified and rounded up.
Only moments after Kirby departs Matrix's home the bad guys
strike.
But instead of being killed, Matrix is kidnapped along with
his daughter.
Matrix has been
spared for a reason. To save Jenny's life,
he must kill the president of the (mythical) South American
republic of Val Verde. Matrix is the ideal assassin —
he's a trusted friend of el presidente.
The ruthlessly ambitious Arius (Dan Hedaya), a military strongman
Matrix
helped topple from power, is behind the plot. Once the current
president is eliminated Arius will launch a coup and take over
the country. Acting as his chief enforcer is Bennett (The
Road Warrior's Vernon Wells), a hulking psycho Matrix
had thrown out of his unit years before. Bennett's not really
in it for the money.
He holds a serious grudge against Matrix and wants nothing more
than the chance to personally kill him. Along with a minder,
Matrix is put on a plane to South America. If he doesn't do
the job once he gets to Val Verde, Jenny will be killed. Arius
and Bennett take Jenny to the former dictator's private island
off the coast of California to await news.
So far you've got the standard action pic formula, competently
executed. But once Matrix decides to turn the tables and destroy
Arius' plan the movie takes off on a goofy, comic book superhero
tangent. Matrix disposes of his bodyguard aboard the plane,
then climbs down on the landing gear as it's taking off... Jumping
clear, he plunges from what looks like hundreds of feet up to
land in a fall-cushioning swamp! (One expects over-the-top action
in an Arnold flick but this bit of hooey is startlingly ludicrous.)
Matrix has only 11 hours to find and rescue Jenny before the
plane lands in Val Verde and Arius learns he's been thwarted.
His only hope is to track down Bennett's henchmen and force
them to talk. He's aided in his quest by an unexpected ally,
a plucky stewardess (Rae Dawn Chong) whose car he commandeers
in the airport parking garage. Unbelievably she risks life and
limb to help him, a guy she doesn't know and who did kidnap
her, after all. You'd think that a death-dealing commando wouldn't
want to be slowed down by having a civilian in tow, but there
you are. (At one point he even stops the car in mid-pursuit
to pick her up, which makes absolutely no sense.) She does prove
useful, though, helping our blockhead hero piece together the
oh-so-convenient clues gathered along the way. (We haven't gotten
to the major carnage yet and the flick's already a video game...
Kill a Henchman, get a Clue, advance to next level.)
Eventually they pinpoint the location of Arius' island stronghold.
Commando's finale, which sees
Matrix go into One Man Army mode and slaughter hundreds of the
villain's troops, is laughably ridiculous. It's also sloppy
filmmaking. The same stuntmen are gunned down again and again.
When Matrix plants explosives outside of buildings, the
structures blow up from the inside out. (Dummies stuck
on poles "standing" next to them barely budge when
they explode.) Springboards that catapult stuntmen into the
air are plainly visible. A belt-fed M60 machine gun Arnie totes
around miraculously never runs out of ammo. Naturally, not one
of Arius' soldiers can hit the broad side of a barn — even when
firing at a Schwarzenegger-sized target only 10 meters away.
The whole sequence is so dumb that it becomes infectiously fun.
One particular highlight has Matrix, temporarily disarmed, snatching
up gardening tools to hack 'n' slash his way through surrounding
enemy soldiers.
Commando is a prime example
of action movie overkill in the Age of Rambo. It's exactly like
a straight-to-video (and then Cinemax) cheapie starring Don
"The Dragon" Wilson, only with a much bigger budget.
Logic and the laws of physics simply don't exist in this testosterone-filled
universe. Schwarzenegger, particularly in this phase of his
career, can't act a lick but I have to admit — the titanic Teuton
has an undeniable charisma. Here he kicks tremendous amounts
of ass with the expected assortment of instantly quotable quips.
(Unfortunately we're saddled with Ms. Chong as supplemental
comic relief.) The movie's nothing but a live action cartoon
(video game?) and he's the perfect star for such a vehicle.
Backing him up are the scenery-chewing, chainmail-wearing Wells
as Bennett; Hedaya, whose thickly-accented
banana republic strongman is pure caricature; actor-director
Bill Duke (so memorable in Predator)
as Cooke, ex-Green Beret and stone cold killer; and David Patrick
Kelly (The Warriors) as Sully,
Arius' weasely, ill-mannered bag man — who gets a very memorable
death. (Also look for a young Bill "Game over, man!"
Paxton in a small role as a Coast Guard officer.)
You won't buy into a second of this NRA wet dream, but with
Schwarzenegger and company you can't help but be amused.
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