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It'll
take a better man than me to properly explain the long, strange
cinematic adventures of Emanuelle. At times I wish I were that
man — the fellow who could gather all the various Emanuelle
(or "Emmanuelle") films together, sift through them
collecting the gems and dismissing the dross. I would polish
the best moments in these astonishing films to a shiny brightness
so that others could appreciate them all the more. But, alas,
I am not that man. Perhaps it will one day take a team of scribes
willing to dive headlong into the cinematic madness of the various
films in this loose series. I can almost hear the debates between
the researchers about where each series begins, which actress
was best in the central role and whether the many in-name-only
sequel films should be relegated to footnotes or be given chapters
of their own. On that future day when this hoped-for tome is
released, I will be one of the first people in line waving my
cash high in the air to purchase it. I will rush home, disconnect
all electronic media and settle in to discover the answer to
the central mystery of these films... WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT
OF THESE THINGS, ANYWAY? I mean, is it just nudity? Hell,
porn will get you more of that and includes money shots! Is
it the foreign locales linked with nude bodies on almost constant
display that draws people in? Or is it the hope for thrills
that simply staged sex scenes can't provide? Is it a lust for
a particular actress?
Divine Emanuelle: Love Cult isn't
actually an Emanuelle film but one of the dozens of movies re-titled
to take advantage of the popularity of the Emanuelle movies.
Indeed, the picture's star, Laura Gemser is never referred to
by any name other than "The Divine One". It seems
that after her first role in an Emanuelle film almost every
subsequent film went out somewhere in the world as "Emanuelle"-something.
Much like "Django" became the word used to re-title
a dozen or more Euro-lensed westerns, "Emanuelle"
very nearly became the brand name for exotic softcore sex films
in the 1970s and early '80s. Why did I voluntarily watch this
thing? With my head hung in shame I must admit it was
to see naked women. I have that weakness and it has caught me
out before. If there's a 12 Step program for this affliction
please let me know because the booze isn't working like it should
anymore.
The movie has very little story but I'll
relate it as best I can. Laura Gemser is The Divine One, the
head of a hippy-style cult that preaches love and sex and...
well, that's all they really seem to preach. The basic
idea of this religion is that you should have as much sex as
possible with as many people as possible. Dorian (Christian
Anders) is the best disciple, as he is both devout and a gifted
raiser of financial donations from new converts. While out boring
the locals to win new cult members, Dorian flashes his big blue
eyes and curly blonde locks at Patricia (Simone Brahmann). She's
the daughter of a wealthy American senator with little time
for his confused child, and that handsome Dorian fellow seems
so nice... So, Patricia jaunts off to the cult's nearby Love
Camp with her golden boy, who promptly falls in love with the
vacuous wench. Since being 'in love' is verboten by decree
of The Divine One he is forced to leave the cult. As he and
his beloved exit the compound Dorian learns the horrible truth
about those who try to quit this loving religion. Oh, and the
camp blows up. And there's an undercover cop gathering evidence
to prosecute the Divine One. And —
oh come on!
This thing is a simple T 'n' A show featuring lots of softcore
groping/fondling and a bare-bones plot that sort of links the
sequences of fleshly friction together. The sex scenes are fairly
dull and overlong, consisting of the standard hetero and lesbian
pairings found in most softcore flicks. If you want to see naked
women you're in the right place. If you want anything more may
I direct your eyes to something else on the rack, sir...
The movie's real title is Love
Camp and that's the one on this print. It's an accurate
title as most of the story occurs in a camp and the word love
is used constantly. As a matter of fact, I'd venture to say
that if you count the lyrics to the various lame songs sprinkled
throughout, no other film has ever used the word as many
times as this sucker. One particular song contains the L-word
at least 100 times —
and the song's
repeated twice. (Some sick puppy also included this moronic
slice of rancid audio cheese on the damned menu screen!) I would
provide sample lyrics but it's taken me days to get this crap
out of my head and I want to keep it out. To get an idea just
imagine a '70s K-Tel record collecting the worst AM Gold romantic
pop songs and you're on the right track. Sadly, the movie is
littered with these lyrical land mines which explode with no
warning at all making getting to the end of this turkey worthy
of some kind of Medal of Cinematic Valor. This wretchedness
can mostly be laid at the feet of writer/director/star/vocalist
Christian Anders, who also penned the music. Obviously attempting
to top Orson Wells and Ed Wood, the lunatic also tries
to be an action hero at the end of the story. When he breaks
out his badass karate moves for the big finale it's one of the
funniest things I've seen in years. Yes, Mr. Anders' reach most
certainly exceeded his grasp. Of course, just getting something
this bad made is quite an accomplishment and I'm sure it was
a labor of love. (Get it? I used the word love again.
Wasn't that clever? Ah, screw it!) It would appear that Mr.
Anders' talents lie in some field other than cinema. Perhaps
windsurfing or hair care was his true calling in life. Hey —
maybe he's the right man to write that overview of the Emanuelle
film series!
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