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Midnite
Movie Double Feature
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Star
Creatures
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1 |
Bee
Girls
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6 |
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6 |
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Guest
Review by Rod
Barnett
'Bare
Flesh' & 'Cheese' icons are for BEE GIRLS |
"THE
STORY YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE IS TRUE. ONLY THE FACTS HAVE BEEN
COMPLETELY DISTORTED."
Thus opens
Invasion
of the Star Creatures
— and folks, it's all downhill from there. Shot in 1962 on a
minuscule budget by director Bruno Ve Sota (The
Brain Eaters), it tells the story of two dimwitted soldiers
(Bob Ball and Frankie Ray) sent to investigate a crater made
by a recent atomic test blast. Quickly separated from the other
solders, our heroes are captured by a group of alien invaders
inhabiting a local cave in a prelude to conquering Earth. The
boys are confused (naturally) by the fact that the alien creatures
are two very tall beautiful women dressed as if for a men's
magazine photo shoot. The males of the alien race are nowhere
in evidence but the grunt work around the cave is handled by
some extremely silly looking VegeMonsters that the ladies grow
themselves. Between the super-strong, badly costumed VegeMen
and the women's deadly prop guns the intrepid GIs have their
work cut out for them to save Earth from being overrun by dastardly
alien invaders.
A
hypothetical fan of this film would claim I'd left out any mention
of the story's humor, but that's OK. The filmmakers left it
out too. To call Invasion
of the Star Creatures a lame, inept
comedy is to insult lame, inept comedies. There is so little
humor in this film that they would have been better off trying
to play the story straight with just a wink and a nod a la Queen
of Outer Space. But noooooo! They try again and again
to foist off gags that were old when dinosaurs roamed the planet!
Along with ancient vaudeville bits and 'funny' mugging for the
camera they try to spice things up with the occasional bad celebrity
voice impression. I've seen Saturday morning cartoons from my
youth that have more sense of comedy than this movie. When the
gorgeous aliens showed up I was hoping for a few '60s era politically
incorrect double entendres but only one is offered. And
by the time they trot out a group of Native Americans for the
sadly misplaced Cowboy and Indian jokes I was simply stunned...
This is supposed to be funny? And I'm still trying to
figure out if the people in the film were bad actors or just
purposely acting badly. Screenwriter Jonathan Haze is best known
for playing Seymour in Roger Corman's Little
Shop of Horrors and a host of other bit roles. He should
never have been allowed behind a typewriter as his strengths
were definitely in front of the camera. As one of the Indian
characters might have said: Ugh!
On
the flip side of this DVD we have Invasion
of the Bee Girls
(1973), which is much more interesting and shows the wisdom
of keeping tongue firmly in cheek. State Department investigator
Neil Agar (William Smith in a rare good guy role) is sent to
Peckham, California to investigate a mysterious death. The town
is the home of a small government lab and one of their scientists
has turned up dead of cardiac arrest even though he had no previous
record of heart trouble. Things only look stranger when the
coroner lists the cause of death as "sexual exhaustion".
Agar quickly discovers that there seems to be a rash of these
types of deaths in the town, and once another scientist snuffs
it he starts looking for unusual possibilities. Enlisting the
aid of pretty lab assistant Julie (Victoria Vetri), it isn't
long before he's taking a closer look at entomologist Dr. Susan
Harris (Anitra Ford). The supposedly sexually frigid Dr. Harris
always seems to be wearing sunglasses and her aloof manner makes
Agar suspicious. In a leap of logic that could only be played
out with everyone in on the joke, Agar surmises that some type
of genetic insect crossbreeding is involved and comes across
proof just as Julie is about to become part of the town's deadly
female breed.
Here's
a film that knows its dealing with a preposterous idea and just
plays it straight hoping the audience is savvy enough to get
the joke. Pure smutty fun from beginning to end, this flick
revels in nudity, soft core sex, lesbianism and unapologetically
chauvinistic behavior the likes of which we are likely never
to see in film again. In Peckham every man, whether married
or not, is looking to score with whoever he can and it seems
that every woman in town was a sexual predator before
they started getting their 'bee' on. Gloriously nasty with nearly
no redeeming social values, Bee Girls
is a wonderful early-Seventies time capsule. Where else are
you going to see an amazing ugly man yell out in public that
he will not abstain from sex just because he might die? Priceless!
This movie has become my second favorite sci-fi/sex film of
all time, right behind Barbarella
but just ahead of Lifeforce. (Thank
you Matilda May!) Indeed, there are only a couple of ladies
in this movie that don't get naked at some point in the proceedings,
but the real draw for fans of beautiful women has to be Anitra
Ford. The former Price Is Right model only made four
theatrical films but my lust for her was kindled when I saw
her as the evil Amazonian in the TV movie Wonder Woman.
Cathy Lee Crosby had nothing on Miss Ford, and at my young age
I could barely understand the strange emotions she sent running
through my curious body. Anitra has an extended nude scene here
that shows us just what was lurking beneath that game show smile.
Add to that her completely unnecessary lesbian kiss later on
and you have '70s sexploitation heaven! Of course the film does
have its share of detriments... The plot is moved along by more
by chance and wild guesswork than anything else, and sloppier
moments in the story are glossed over by obvious post-production
dubbing. Some of the acting is less than convincing, but I find
that just adds to the fun in an odd way. A fun movie for anyone
with a love of campy science fiction or maybe just dirty minds!
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MGM's
double feature release of these two rarely seen films is a sight
to behold. Several years ago I got to attend a theatrical viewing
of Bee Girls courtesy of a scratched
and mangled print that looked awful. Luckily the 1.85 anamorphic
letterboxed presentation here is much better with only some occasional
grain and scratches marring the picture. There are a few moments
that are too scratchy but they are brief. The sound on Bee
Girls is in the original Mono and is a little muffled at
times, but that's what I remember theatrically as well so it must
be the nature of the film elements. Invasion
of the Star Creatures looks pretty darned good considering
its age and budget. Letterboxed at 1.66:1 the black & white image
is good with occasional grain but there is a 5-minute stretch
near the beginning that has a number of distracting lines across
the screen. The Mono soundtrack is pretty clear with only rare
lines of dialog hard to hear (unfortunately). Each film has only
the theatrical trailer as an extra but for the price it's hard
to complain.
There has been a discussion online about both
of these films as presented on this DVD having some missing scenes.
In the case of Invasion of the Star Creatures
what's missing is a six-minute sequence that was added to the
film for television broadcasts. This would have brought the running
time to about 75 minutes, which was the standard for a 90-minute
TV slot years ago. Although apparently shot during production
this sequence was never part of the theatrical cut and after seeing
this sucker I can't imagine anyone wanting to see more
of it! There's even a rumor of an 81-minute cut out there somewhere
which is enough to give me nightmares. What's missing from Bee
Girls is a shot lasting a few seconds involving some nudity,
but with the amount of naked flesh on display here I can't find
much room to grumble. Usually MGM is much more trustworthy about
these kinds of things so I'm knocking a point off the DVD rating
for this oversight. I can't recommend Star
Creatures to anyone but if you've never seen Invasion
of the Bee Girls you owe it
to yourself to take a peek. (At first available only as a Best
Buy "exclusive", the DVD is now available at Amazon
and other online retailers.) 9/12/04 |
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