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An
absolutely TERRIBLE movie... but quite
hilarious. Had Mystery Science Theater 3000
ever experimented on a genuine Hong Kong martial
arts flick (the made-for-U.S. TV Master
Ninja,
starring Lee Van Cleef, doesn't count), then Ninja
Terminator would've made an excellent guinea
pig. This one's got exactly what I look for in
'old school' kung fu films: a ridiculously cheesy
story, ludicrous, badly dubbed dialog and some
decent chop-socky action.
The Golden
Ninja Warrior is a small statue made up of three
separate parts which, when assembled, bestow upon
the owner complete invulnerability to edged weapons.
The individual pieces also have mystical power
but by themselves impart only limited protection.
(Possessing one of the statue's arms, for example,
only protects that particular limb.) The Grandmaster
of the so-called "Ninja Empire" in Japan has control
of the complete set. He enjoys showing off to
his disciples, who whack him with swords to no
effect as he laughs maniacally. But theft of the
magic Warrior by supposedly trustworthy subordinates
soon leaves him mirthless.
Three
high-ranking ninjas make off with the statue,
each absconding with a segment and killing a bunch
of guards in the process. Grabbing the arm pieces
are Westerners Harry (Richard Harrison) and Towne
(Jonathan Wattis), while the body is taken by
the Japanese Tamashi. Harry and Tamashi have noble
motives for stealing the Golden Ninja Warrior
—
under the Grandmaster's leadership the Ninja Empire
has become corrupted by evil —
but Towne ultimately wants the complete statue
for himself. Two years later, in Hong Kong, Tamashi
is killed by a red ninja and the body segment
swiped. Towne thinks that Tamashi's sister Michiko
has it, so he hires the ruthless Tiger Chan (Wong
Chen Li), leader of a criminal gang, to recover
the missing piece. Meanwhile, when Harry learns
of Tamashi's murder he tasks his good buddy Jaguar
Wong (Jack Lam), a supercool, gum-chewing Interpol
agent, with protecting her. As Jaguar kicks the
ever-livin' crap out of every henchman Tiger sends
against him, Harry and Towne receive threats from
the Ninja Empire to turn over their pieces of
the statue or feel the wrath of the "Ninja Terminator"
—
the assassin who snuffed Tamashi.
Man,
oh man, is this flick ever stupid! Thank God,
too. I'm not actually a big martial arts fan (being
mainly into horror and exploitation) so I barely
know wuxia from Moo Shu pork. I just know
that I prefer the old style Seventies stuff over
modern CG-enhanced wire-fu —
and the crappier and more nonsensical the English
dubbing, the better. Thankfully, Ninja
Terminator has plenty
to offer on both of these fronts.
Much
of it is amazingly silly. Sure, there's
the typical ninja nonsense —
teleportation, sword grips that shoot fire and
poison gas, the ability to change from civvies
into full ninja regalia (eyeliner included!) in
1.5 seconds flat, etc. —
but the film goes way, way, beyond that. For no
reason ever explained, tough-guy mobster Tiger
wears a blonde Carol Channing wig to accentuate
his immaculate white suits. (Better watch out
for those lethal Pat Boone Shoes of Death!) Macho
ninja Harry has a Garfield telephone in his apartment,
making those urgent life-and-death calls from
Jaguar all the more ominous. Apropos of nothing,
there's a bizarre cooking accident involving Harry's
wife and her special preparation of "drunken"
crabs. Out of nowhere we're treated to a laughably
staged love scene —
not involving any of the heroes, but instead Tiger's
lieutenant and his gang moll girlfriend. Most
sublimely ridiculous of all, the Ninja Empire's
death threats to the Western "traitors" are delivered
by —
get this —
cheap little toy robots. (For a minute
or so I couldn't believe what I was seeing.)
Then there's Jaguar Wong. This
guy is one cool, unflappable badass. (Admit it...
Even his name is cool.) He does virtually all
the butt-kicking while pal Harry mostly sits at
home manning the Garfield phone, occasionally
slicing up a watermelon with his katana.
Frankly, the whole ninja plotline is mere padding
while we await Jaguar's next appearance. His hand-to-hand
combat scenes are action-packed and well-choreographed;
the ninjas, in contrast, do a lot more goofy posing
than actual fighting. (NOTE: The film is really
a cobbled-together hodgepodge. All the footage
involving Jaguar Wong was lifted from an older
kung fu flick made in the 1970s and re-dubbed
to fit the plot. The scenes with Harrison [a one-time
spaghetti western/pepla star] and the other ninjas
were shot much later, in the '80s. You'll notice
that Harry and Jaguar never appear together in
the same frame, always communicating by phone.
Also, the Jaguar footage cribs musical queues
from Star Wars and
A Clockwork Orange.)
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