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I
downed six shots of bourbon while watching Revenge
Of The Ninja, my preferred ritual for screening this
kind of thing. Imbibed spirits aside I had a pretty good time
with it. It's ridiculously goofy, segueing from one ineptly
staged, over-the-top action sequence to another in rapid-fire
succession. When the cheese-encrusted shurikens are hurtling
at you this fast and furious some of 'em are bound to stick!
This movie wastes no time whatsoever. In
the first three minutes a family in modern day Tokyo (or rather,
a Japanese-style garden in L.A.) is slaughtered by a platoon
of ninjas armed with ancient weapons — bows, swords, etc. An
eight-year old boy even gets it in the head with a throwing
star! Moments later Osaki ('80s chop-socky star Sho Kosugi)
comes home, accompanied by his American buddy, to find the still-fresh
corpses of his wife and relatives. Lying in wait, the evil ninjas
spring an ambush. But Osaki's a badass ninja himself, the kind
who can catch arrows with his teeth! The attackers are wiped
out to the last man in fairly short order; Yankee pal Braden
(Arthur Roberts) helps out by pulling a .45 automatic from his
waistband and plugging two of the killers. (Where did he get
the iron? Japan has the strictest gun control laws in the world.)
There's only one survivor of the massacre, Osaki's infant son
Kane. Braden implores his friend to move to America where he
can raise his son in safety, free from the curse of clan violence.
(Just why the Osaki family was butchered is never really
explained, though some kind of blood feud between rival ninja
factions is hinted at.) He offers to set Osaki up with a job
in the States as the manager of a Japanese art gallery. Osaki's
mom, who apparently picked a great time to go shopping or something,
shows up to warn him that he can never escape his destiny no
matter where he goes.
Flash forward 6 years.
Osaki decided to take Braden's offer, moving to California to
raise Kane (sorry for the pun!) with the help of his mother,
whom he also brought along. He's vowed to give up the ninja
way forever. Now we know that just ain't gonna happen...
where would the "revenge" come in? It seems Braden has been
playing Osaki for a fool the whole time. The art gallery, which
specializes in intricate handmade dolls, is just a front for
the American's drug-running operation. Consignments of heroin
are smuggled into the U.S. from Japan, hidden inside the dolls.
Braden supplies the smack to a Mafia kingpin, Mr. Caifano (Mario
Gallo), who distributes it. The partners in crime have a falling
out over money, however. Not long afterwards Caifano's relatives
start turning up dead, assassinated by a mysterious silver-masked
ninja. Braden warns the mob boss to pay up or else. Caifano
retaliates by having his boys break into the gallery and steal
all the heroin-packed dolls. But Osaki catches them in the act.
He chases after and beats the crap out of all of the thugs except
one, who manages to escape with the dolls. At this point our
hero is still totally clueless as to Braden's treachery.
And this is also where
things get more than a little stupid.
Braden
is the silver-masked ninja, of course; the movie lets us in
on this from the get-go. (Though his ninja pal Osaki doesn't
know it.) Maybe it was the bourbon kicking in but for the life
of me I couldn't understand why Braden suddenly decides to kill
Osaki's mother. Little Kane sees him do it —
because he pulls off his ninja mask for absolutely no reason
—
so Braden has to kidnap the kid to keep him from talking. This
naturally sets up a final confrontation between Osaki (who digs
out his toy box of deadly accoutrements) and his one-time pal.
Before that, though, they both annihilate what's left of the
Caifano gang, between them using just about every exotic ninja
weapon imaginable. And did I neglect to mention the subplot
involving Braden's athletic blonde mistress (Ashley Farrere),
who's developed a crush on Osaki and likes to show up for karate
practice not wearing any pants?
Revenge Of The Ninja's fight scenes
are as dumb as its plot but at least they're pretty funny. Ever
wondered why, in these types of flicks, martial arts fighters
will disengage from their opponents via a flurry of cartwheeling
somersaults rather than just running a short distance
away — a move taking a lot less time and energy? That syndrome
is this movie in a nutshell. The action sequences offer up quite
a few laughs, notably the scene in which Sho Kosugi clings to
the rear bumper of the bad guys' getaway van to be dragged down
the street, or the one that has him rumbling with the street
gang-equivalent of the Village People. The almost nonstop mayhem
is only sparingly interrupted by the occasional plot advancing
scene. Yet even these brief respites prove amusing, as the acting
and dialog are truly atrocious.
Though a sense of '80s nostalgia (not to mention mood-altering
chemicals) might heighten the experience, committed cheese lovers
of any generation should have a rowdy good time with this one.
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