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Review
by
Brian Lindsey
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5
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5 |
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10
= Highest Rating |
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Fred
Olen Ray, master of the micro-budget exploitation
flick, has helmed some eighty feature-length
motion pictures in the last 25 years; his best
known film being Hollywood
Chainsaw Hookers (1988). Though his
directorial career didn't really take off until
the drive-in era had already passed, that's where
the sensibility that informs his work squarely
lies: parked in the center of the front row with
a shiny metal speaker clamped to the partially
rolled down driver-side window, a cache of brewskis
(or something stronger) chilling in the cooler
hidden under a blanket in the backseat floorboard
and a pack of rolling papers tucked under the
road map in the glove compartment. Ray's venue
may be home video and late-night cable broadcasts
yet the spirit is the same. It would be easy to
dismiss his films as simply bad, lowbrow cinema
but that's missing the point. Like any commercially
savvy showman, he knows exactly what his target
audience wants to see. Whether its action, horror,
or sexploitation (or a combination of those elements),
Ray strives to serve up the goodies with a minimum
of fuss and as professionally as possible given
the almost nonexistent production budgets. And
that's as it should be. Back in my high school
days — I'm talking the mid-to-late Seventies here
— my buds and I didn't pile in the car for a Saturday
night at the Highway 51 Drive-in to have our brain
cells stimulated by intellectual themes and artistic
flourishes... We went there to kill brain
cells, all while enjoying as much gratuitous sex
and/or violence as the projectionist cared to
spool up. "Does it have tits in it?" was
usually the first question asked when anyone suggested
catching a flick at the '51'. An affirmative reply
typically ended the queries right there — nothing
else about the movie need be said.
Teenage
Cavegirl, Ray's latest direct-to-video
opus, would've been just the ticket back then.
This sucker doesn't waste time. About 30 seconds
after the opening credits we're straight into
the softcore action, as brawny caveman Tiko (Evan
Stone) and his lean and lithe cavebunny Tahra
(Jezebelle Bond) get busy by firelight. In the
morning she leaves their cozy domicile — none
other than Ro-Man's Bronson Canyon abode from
Robot
Monster — to do some exploring (or
something). Threatened by a very cheesy
computer-animated dinosaur, Tahra escapes by jumping
through a mysterious portal of spinning blue light,
catapulting her a million years into the future.
On the other side she encounters a swinging young
couple, Richard (Alexandre Boisvert, whom I believe
goes by the name "Voodoo" in the porniverse) and
Sharon (Kennedy Johnston, AKA Danielle Petty),
out looking for fossils. Realizing that she's
from prehistoric times, the pair takes her home
with them in hopes of making big bucks off their
discovery. (No thought is given to bringing scientists
or the media out to see this magic portal... Then
again, the dimension door doesn't have an ass
like Ms. Bond!) Richard decides to call in an
academic friend of his, Dr. Matthews (Ray film
veteran Jay Richardson), to confirm Tahra's origins,
but first things first — the cavegirl needs a
bath and Sharon's going to give her one. YES!
(Insert triumphant arm-pumping motion here.) Meanwhile,
lonely Tiko has passed through the time portal
in search of his lost lady; Dr. Matthews, with
his well-endowed, much younger girlfriend Cynthia
(Nicole Sheridan) in tow, shows up to conduct
an experiment on Tahra to determine if she's the
real thing. More silly shenanigans — not to mention
softcore shagging — ensues.
Teenage
Cavegirl is really just a series of sex
scenes (six, in fact) interspersed with minuscule
bits of goofy, extremely flimsy plot. Its sense
of humor is purely sophomoric, too dumb to be
funny unless you're three sheets to the wind —
or 13 years old, in which case you'd probably
be too busy spanking the monkey to laugh. Except
for the scene in which Tiko looks in on a not-so-attractive
couple knockin'
boots in a parked van (FILLER!), the simulated
sex is stimulating, nicely lensed and enthusiastically
performed. As visual Viagra of the "Hard
R" variety, the movie certainly works. (I
must admit laughing, however, during instances
of 'ball-slapping' foley whenever the ladies got
it doggie-style.) Coltish, all-natural porn starlet
Jezebelle Bond (Euphoria,
Cock Smokers 31)
is charming and engaging even though she doesn't
have very many lines (and despite the tattoos);
the similarly natural Kennedy Johnston (Tomb
of the Werewolf) is pretty damn foxy in
a gal-from-the-upstairs-apartment kind of way.
(Her lesbian bath scene with Jezebelle is the
hottest throwdown in the movie... At least that's
what Hermann the German tells me.) Bodacious blonde
Nicole Sheridan, like Bond also a triple-X performer
(100% Blowjobs 24,
Fetish Circus), provides
D-cup dimensions to compliment her relatively
petite co-stars.
Director
Ray (under the alias "Nicholas Medina")
had his goal firmly in the crosshairs, as its
obvious that any real time and effort on this
film was
expended on the sex scenes. In fact, if he wanted
to I'd bet Ray could make some pretty damn good
hardcore porn flicks —
an all too rare thing, really —
if he'd just dispense with the silly comedy. But
that would be 'grindhouse' instead of drive-in
fare, and the drive-in is where his heart seems
to be. Just for fun he slips in a few references
to B-movies of yore (the 'twist' at the end is
a cheeky nod to Roger Corman's 1958 Teenage
Caveman); clips from an old Gordon Scott Tarzan
film and the trailer to Werewolf
vs. the Vampire Woman are glimpsed on a TV.
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Since
Teenage Cavegirl
(AKA Bikini Cavegirl,
its cable TV title) is a direct-to-video feature,
it's presented fullframe — the way it was intended.
A/V quality is excellent for such a low budget
film. Alas there's no trailer, but a stills gallery
(accompanied by music) is tossed in as an extra.
11/23/04
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