Teenage Cavegirl
U.S.A. / 2004
Directed by "Nicolas Medina"
(Fred Olen Ray)
Starring
Jezebelle Bond
Kennedy Johnston
Nicole Sheridan
Color / 80 Minutes / Not Rated
Format: DVD (R0 - NTSC)
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Review by
Brian Lindsey
 
5
    5   10 = Highest Rating  
Fred Olen Ray, master of the micro-budget exploitation flick, has helmed some eighty feature-length motion pictures in the last 25 years; his best known film being Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988). Though his directorial career didn't really take off until the drive-in era had already passed, that's where the sensibility that informs his work squarely lies: parked in the center of the front row with a shiny metal speaker clamped to the partially rolled down driver-side window, a cache of brewskis (or something stronger) chilling in the cooler hidden under a blanket in the backseat floorboard and a pack of rolling papers tucked under the road map in the glove compartment. Ray's venue may be home video and late-night cable broadcasts yet the spirit is the same. It would be easy to dismiss his films as simply bad, lowbrow cinema but that's missing the point. Like any commercially savvy showman, he knows exactly what his target audience wants to see. Whether its action, horror, or sexploitation (or a combination of those elements), Ray strives to serve up the goodies with a minimum of fuss and as professionally as possible given the almost nonexistent production budgets. And that's as it should be. Back in my high school days I'm talking the mid-to-late Seventies here my buds and I didn't pile in the car for a Saturday night at the Highway 51 Drive-in to have our brain cells stimulated by intellectual themes and artistic flourishes... We went there to kill brain cells, all while enjoying as much gratuitous sex and/or violence as the projectionist cared to spool up. "Does it have tits in it?" was usually the first question asked when anyone suggested catching a flick at the '51'. An affirmative reply typically ended the queries right there nothing else about the movie need be said.
    Teenage Cavegirl, Ray's latest direct-to-video opus, would've been just the ticket back then. This sucker doesn't waste time. About 30 seconds after the opening credits we're straight into the softcore action, as brawny caveman Tiko (Evan Stone) and his lean and lithe cavebunny Tahra (Jezebelle Bond) get busy by firelight. In the morning she leaves their cozy domicile none other than Ro-Man's Bronson Canyon abode from Robot Monster to do some exploring (or something). Threatened by a very cheesy computer-animated dinosaur, Tahra escapes by jumping through a mysterious portal of spinning blue light, catapulting her a million years into the future. On the other side she encounters a swinging young couple, Richard (Alexandre Boisvert, whom I believe goes by the name "Voodoo" in the porniverse) and Sharon (Kennedy Johnston, AKA Danielle Petty), out looking for fossils. Realizing that she's from prehistoric times, the pair takes her home with them in hopes of making big bucks off their discovery. (No thought is given to bringing scientists or the media out to see this magic portal... Then again, the dimension door doesn't have an ass like Ms. Bond!) Richard decides to call in an academic friend of his, Dr. Matthews (Ray film veteran Jay Richardson), to confirm Tahra's origins, but first things first the cavegirl needs a bath and Sharon's going to give her one. YES! (Insert triumphant arm-pumping motion here.) Meanwhile, lonely Tiko has passed through the time portal in search of his lost lady; Dr. Matthews, with his well-endowed, much younger girlfriend Cynthia (Nicole Sheridan) in tow, shows up to conduct an experiment on Tahra to determine if she's the real thing. More silly shenanigans not to mention softcore shagging ensues.
    Teenage Cavegirl is really just a series of sex scenes (six, in fact) interspersed with minuscule bits of goofy, extremely flimsy plot. Its sense of humor is purely sophomoric, too dumb to be funny unless you're three sheets to the wind or 13 years old, in which case you'd probably be too busy spanking the monkey to laugh. Except for the scene in which Tiko looks in on a not-so-attractive couple
knockin' boots in a parked van (FILLER!), the simulated sex is stimulating, nicely lensed and enthusiastically performed. As visual Viagra of the "Hard R" variety, the movie certainly works. (I must admit laughing, however, during instances of 'ball-slapping' foley whenever the ladies got it doggie-style.) Coltish, all-natural porn starlet Jezebelle Bond (Euphoria, Cock Smokers 31) is charming and engaging even though she doesn't have very many lines (and despite the tattoos); the similarly natural Kennedy Johnston (Tomb of the Werewolf) is pretty damn foxy in a gal-from-the-upstairs-apartment kind of way. (Her lesbian bath scene with Jezebelle is the hottest throwdown in the movie... At least that's what Hermann the German tells me.) Bodacious blonde Nicole Sheridan, like Bond also a triple-X performer (100% Blowjobs 24, Fetish Circus), provides D-cup dimensions to compliment her relatively petite co-stars.
    Director Ray (under the alias "Nicholas Medina") had his goal firmly in the crosshairs, as its obvious that any real time and effort on this film was expended on the sex scenes. In fact, if he wanted to I'd bet Ray could make some pretty damn good hardcore porn flicks an all too rare thing, really if he'd just dispense with the silly comedy. But that would be 'grindhouse' instead of drive-in fare, and the drive-in is where his heart seems to be. Just for fun he slips in a few references to B-movies of yore (the 'twist' at the end is a cheeky nod to Roger Corman's 1958 Teenage Caveman); clips from an old Gordon Scott Tarzan film and the trailer to Werewolf vs. the Vampire Woman are glimpsed on a TV.

Since Teenage Cavegirl (AKA Bikini Cavegirl, its cable TV title) is a direct-to-video feature, it's presented fullframe the way it was intended. A/V quality is excellent for such a low budget film. Alas there's no trailer, but a stills gallery (accompanied by music) is tossed in as an extra. 11/23/04

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