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Review
by
Brian Lindsey
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5
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6 |
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10
= Highest Rating |
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There
are, apparently, quite a few so-bad-they're-good ninja movies
out there. Japanese martial artist/actor Shô Kosugi stars in
a number of them. And I could pretty much end my review of 9
Deaths of the Ninja right there.
Is
there another subgenre of exploitation film this
completely encrusted with cheese? Is there even such a thing
as a genuinely good ninja flick made in the '80s? So
far I've yet to see one (Shô or no Shô — Ninja
Terminator, anyone?). Oh, well... This makes two movies
in a row for me featuring a team of midget assassins. What are
the freakin' odds of that?
9 Deaths of the Ninja
is perhaps best known for its infamous opening titles sequence,
a real ninja movie milestone... Kosugi, stripped to the waist
and brandishing a samurai sword, engages in an interpretive
dance routine (!) with a trio of leotard-clad ladies
to the strains of a truly hideous pop ballad. There are only
two possible reactions to this — you'll either convulse with
laughter or be utterly poleaxed by such an astonishing display
of stupidity. (Or possibly both, as I did, in reverse order.)
I can't begin to imagine why Kosugi would agree to do something
like this, unless perhaps it was his idea to begin with.
(Oh, Shô...Say it ain't so!)
He plays Captain "Spike"
Shinobi, leader of D.A.R.T., the United Nations' crack anti-terrorist
commando team. (Just what the acronym stands for is never mentioned;
Dumb-Ass Ridiculous Twits, perhaps?) Besides its commander,
D.A.R.T. consists of exactly two other people: Americans Steve
Gordon (Brent Huff of Just Jaeckin's Gwendoline)
and Jennifer Barnes (blonde Emilia Lesniak, who looks and sounds
like she's high on something in a lot of her scenes). Shinobi
may be easygoing and hip, but he's dedicated to the warrior
code of the ninja —
even though he washed out
of ninja training for being too compassionate. (Thanks for filling
us in, helpful flashback.) He demonstrates his spirituality
by meditating beneath a waterfall and chopping up a watermelon,
blindfolded, with a katana.
Shinobi and crew are
summoned to the Philippines for a desperate mission. Security
chief Rankin (Octopussy's
Vijay Amritraj) briefs them on the situation. In a remote area
of the country a busload of tourists has been seized by an army
of drug-running terrorists. The leader of the terrorists is
the insane, wheelchair-bound neo-Nazi "Alby the Cruel"
(Blackie Dammet, in a gratingly awful performance). He demands
the immediate release of his comrades from prison or the hostages
will be killed. To rescue them the D.A.R.T. team will have to
fight their way into Alby's jungle HQ, which is guarded by the
vicious troops of Col. Honey Hump (Regina Richardson), a lesbian
amazon mercenary with a towering afro. But first they'll have
to discover its location. A top henchman of Alby's —
the turbaned, snaggletoothed, always-laughing Rahji (Sonny Erang)
—
is let out of jail so that Shinobi and Gordon can trail him
to the terrorists' lair. The giant Rahji, who can catch bullets
in his hands (!), proves rather elusive, however, so other means
must be sought. Eventually the team closes in on Alby's gang,
with time naturally running out. Shinobi must use all his exotic
weaponry to penetrate the enemy camp and save the hostages (which
include Kosugi's young sons Shane and Kane as brave, resourceful
kids).
Financed with American
and Indian money and shot in the Philippines, the
cheapjack 9 Deaths pulls
off at least one spectacular feat —
it actually makes Revenge
of the Ninja and Rage
of Honor look like slick Hollywood productions in comparison.
Everything about this film is pathetic. It tries to mix together
ingredients from ninja, James Bond and Rambo films and comes
up with a pretty stinky goulash. Probably due to the influence
of Amitraj (who also executive produced), the pic ends with
a shot of an ornate barge being rowed into the sunset just like
in Octopussy (to include a similar
sounding power ballad that finishes on the exact same chord
as Rita Coolidge's "All-Time High"). The combat scenes
are lame and the acting —
even putting the execrable Dammet aside —
lamer. (When Shô Kosugi is the best thespian among the
cast...) Of course this also contributes
to the fun, as Kosugi tries unsuccessfully to look cool amid
the silliness; he's less of a stone-face here then in his other
films and seems to be having a good time. The dialog offers
a few howlers ("Save your strength, scumbag. It'd take
a tougher man than you to pull apart industrial epoxy.")
and there's the perpetually mirthful Rahji, too
—
he's an amusing, even endearing character who never fails to
liven things up. (Okay, so perhaps I'm stretching it a bit with
the "endearing" part.) Unfortunately, 9
Deaths' incredibly annoying head villain takes the cheese-scented
wind out of its sails with depressing regularity. You'll groan
whenever this jackass pops up to do his shamefully bad Dr. Strangelove
shtick. Even the character's rather bizarre death scene won't
assuage your bitter resentment. It's too bad jolly Rahji couldn't
have been the chief baddie.
And I never did figure
out what the "9 Deaths" of the title refers to. Shô
doesn't die, of course, not even once (he's the hero), so I
suppose it's to do with the way he dispatches enemy combatants.
Are there really nine different methods used? Let's see... Sword,
dagger, bow, shuriken, blowgun, crossbow, explosives... (That's
only seven!)
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9
Deaths of the Ninja
comes to DVD via BCI's new "Maximum Action" double feature
two-disc set, which pairs it with 1984's Killpoint
(another cheesy Crown International release with martial arts
elements, not reviewed). 9 Deaths,
on Disc 1, looks pretty decent, if a tad soft; the 1.85:1 non-anamorphic
widescreen transfer is relatively damage free. A basic stereo
mix lends a little oomph to the cheesy sound effects (some of
the guns sound like firecrackers), but not much more than that.
There's some minor background hiss at times but nothing distracting.
Trailers for some not very interesting-looking
Crown International titles make up the Disc 1 extras. The
trailer for 9 Deaths, for some reason,
is included with Killpoint on the
second disc.
(NOTE: My DVD Rating of '6' factors in the total value
of this double feature package, even though only one of the films
is actually reviewed here.)
8/26/06 |
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