|
|
|
Female
Space Invaders
AKA
Star Crash
|
|
Italy
|
1979
Directed by Luigi Cozzi
Starring
Caroline Munro
Marjoe Gortner
Christopher Plummer
Color |
92 Minutes |
PG
Format: DVD (R0 - NTSC)
S'More Entertainment
|
 |
|
|
|
Hold
your mouse pointer over an image for a
pop-up caption
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
 |
|
6
|
|
 |
|
3 |
|
10
= Highest Rating |
|
Guest
Review by Rod
Barnett |
Among
my friends I've developed a reputation as a brave
explorer of bad cinema. Reports of a film's lack
of quality will make me seek out the offending
movie more strongly than good reviews will ever
effect me. Never sure if this sad character flaw
is simple mad curiosity or a slightly suppressed
masochistic streak, I gave up fighting it years
ago. If this is my curse then so be it. So in
my role as a guide through the battlefield of
terrible movies please let me throw myself on
this celluloid hand grenade.
Because
of its heinous reputation I've been hunting for
the legendary Star Crash
for years but it's not been easily available on
these shores owing to some complicated rights
issues that may never be cleared up. There is
a Region 2 special edition DVD released in France
but reviews reporting a poor quality print and
the steep price tag have kept me from snagging
it. So, imagine my surprise when I was rummaging
through the cheap DVD rack at my local video retailer
and spotted a disc entitled
Female Space Invaders
with a cover graced by Caroline Munro in her signature
Star Crash outfit.
Checking the credits on the back of the case I
could hardly believe my eyes. Obviously this was
an unauthorized release from some less-than-honest
company, but the price was definitely right and
I may never get another chance to see this thing.
When I watch a film with as bad a rep as this,
part of me hopes for a hidden 'alternative classic'
(such as Plan
9 From Outer Space) but another part hopes
for a wretched, soul deadening experience that
causes me to seek solace in drink or charity work
(think Van
Helsing). Strangely this film falls somewhere
in between. It did make me reach for beer, but
at times its plainspoken lunacy made me smile.
Make
no mistake about one thing —
screenwriter/director Luigi Cozzi is a big fan
of science fiction. The first image in this wannabe
epic is of a spaceship named after Golden Age
SF author Murray Leinster and the first bit of
dialog is a page over that ship's intercom asking
Major Bradbury to come to the communications bridge.
Cozzi is such a fan of the genre that when possible
he slips science fiction elements into any movie
he can. This is the only explanation for the incredibly
odd mechanical creatures and bizarre conversations
about scientific theory in his Hercules films
with Lou Ferrigno. So I can only imagine the man's
joy when the huge global success of Star
Wars gave him the green light to make his
pet sci-fi project. I've often heard Star
Crash called a rip-off
of that 1977 classic but from what I've learned
it appears the script was penned long before Mr.
Lucas made the genre profitable — Cozzi
just got lucky. The unlucky folks were the poor
suckers in 1978 who were conned into seeing this
atrocious mess. I know of at least one man who
claims that not only is Star
Crash the worst film
he has ever seen but that it may have contributed
to his desire to kill small woodland creatures
in the dead of night. And you thought the Star
Wars prequels were bad!
As with most Cozzi films
the plot is a mishmash of half thought out ideas
and half remembered moments from movie serials,
novels and comic books. The story concerns the
adventures of interstellar smuggler Stella Star
(Caroline Munro, The
Golden Voyage Of Sinbad) and her partner in
crime Akton (Marjoe Gortner, who somehow got top
billing). As the film begins they are being pursued
by law officers Thor (Robert Tessier) and Elle,
a sentient robot voiced by Hamilton Camp as some
kind of Texas moron. They make their escape through
hyperspace and find an abandoned spacecraft's
launch. After rescuing a survivor from the ship
they're captured by the pursuing cops and carried
off to prison. Stella is forced to feed the radium
furnaces in a skimpy outfit and high heels until
recruited for a job by the same two cops that
caught her. It seems the Emperor of the Universe
(Christopher Plummer) wants her and Akton to help
fight the evil Count Zarth Arn (Maniac's
Joe Spinnell). This dastardly despot has created
a devastating planet-sized weapon that will allow
him to rule the universe — but no one knows where
it's located. The smugglers will accompany Thor
and Elle on their search through the Haunted Stars
and if they succeed they will be pardoned. Oh,
and if they should stumble across the Emperor's
son, the crown prince, they should bring him back,
too. He was sent looking for the Death Star....
uh, I mean, the Count's massive weapon and he's
missing. So, off they go tramping from one silly
place to another hunting for the bad guys. The
only stop of real interest (for me any way) is
when a bikini clad Stella has to fight off a group
of hot, Amazon style women before they sic their
giant, poorly stop-motion-animated robot on her.
Akton reveals that he can see into the future,
fake his own death and whip ass with his handy
light saber...uh, I mean laser sword. Finally,
of course, they find Prince Simon (David Hasselhoff)
and the correct planet, blow up the terrible weapon
and then rush back to the Emperor to join in the
gloriously insane battle with Zarth Arn to rid
the Universe of his evil forever.
I've left out a lot of details
mainly because, for space considerations, I must.
This movie's script is an insane mess that feels
like it was assembled in the dark from ideas jotted
randomly on post-it notes. There is no logical
progression from scene to scene or from idea to
idea. When an explanation or solution was needed
Cozzi just seems to have inserted a line of ridiculous
dialog, had the characters smile at each other
and kept moving. And some of the lines are priceless.
Informing Stella that he can't tell her about
the future because she might try to change things,
Akton declares with a straight face, "Because
that's against the law." Early on a character
declares, "Scan it with our computer waves!"
You get the idea. If an 8-year-old riffed on an
issue of EC comic's Weird Science, Star
Crash is what his Pixie Stix-fueled imagination
would create. Luigi Cozzi is that sugar-rushing
kid bursting with enthusiasm but short on talent
and money. He throws in a lot references to classic
science fiction movies including the disembodied
head that leads the Invaders
From Mars (1953), the radium furnaces from
the Flash Gordon serials and (I swear to you)
a nod to the giant, floating stone head from Zardoz!
But even these bizarre touches are topped by the
sight of all the male characters wearing enough
make-up to pass for drag queens. Hasselhoff is
wearing so much rouge that it looks like his cheeks
are sunburned. This is top-of-the-line crazy cinema!
Almost nothing is done well but eventually the
complete lack of sense is kind of mesmerizing.
Like watching slow motion footage of car crash
tests I found it impossible to turn away wondering
if the next ludicrous idea was going to make me
laugh or roll my eyes. One thing I can complement
is the rather impressive score by John Barry.
I give it credit for keeping things moving more
often than it should have to making some dull
stretches easier to handle. It's a solid musical
accompaniment to the story, even if it occasionally
reminded me of passages from a few of his James
Bond scores.
|
|
|
|
Given the bargain bin price, this is not
the definitive DVD release of this film. Released
by a company called S'More Entertainment, the
film looks to be pulled from a video tape master
if I'm any judge of noise lines. While the full
screen image is fairly bright and colorful it's
also slightly fuzzy with some smearing showing
up occasionally. If this were a bootleg VHS tape
I'd call it pretty good but for a DVD it's only
barely passable. The pretty clear soundtrack seems
to be in mono but I think the film was recorded
in stereo. There's never any problems hearing
the dialog or the bizarre sound effects so this
gets a passing grade as well. There are no extras
of any kind. This may sound crazy after the beating
I've given this film but I really hope for a restored,
remastered special edition DVD of this piece of
Italian cinema history. A commentary track with
Cozzi, Munro, Hasselhoff and Plummer reminiscing
about this film would be worth almost any price.
If they can create a 2-disc special edition of
Event Horizon surely
they can bring Star Crash
home with all the bells and whistles. 2/16/06
|
| UPDATE
This disc went OOP a few months after this review
was posted; copies are now going for ridiculous
prices. |
•
Home
| Reviews | Top
•
|
