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Review
by
Brian Lindsey
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3
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4 |
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10
= Highest Rating |
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"Women
warriors as sensuous as they are savage... Women rulers as passionate
as they are powerful!"
Such
was the tagline used to sell the 1974 European film War
Goddess on the drive-in circuit here in the States. A
much better one might've been: "SEE! the greatest nude
female wrestling match in the history of motion pictures!"
... In that case the ballyhoo may have come a little bit closer
to reality.
Buxom blonde Alena
Johnston is Antiope, an Amazon warrior vying for the rulership
of her lesbian tribe. Every few years the Amazons hold a tournament
to decide which one of them will sit as queen; the competition
features such events as archery, the javelin, horseback riding,
etc. (The obstacle course scene could almost be something out
of Girls Gone Wild! Survivor Island.) Contestants are
gradually eliminated until only Antiope and her fiercest rival,
the butchy Oreitheia (French actress Sabine Sun), remain. To
win the crown, the two must wrestle for it — topless, after
anointing their bodies with sacred oil. (As it should be!) Antiope
emerges victorious. Upon becoming queen she issues edicts designed
to toughen Amazon society and increase the army's martial prowess.
One tradition can't be changed, however, despite Antiope's distaste
for it — the annual "Love Camp" in which the Amazons
hire male soldiers from neighboring countries to impregnate
them. (Gotta make some babies to continue the tribe, after all,
and the turkey baster hasn't been invented yet.) This year it's
the Greeks, whose randy king (Angelo Infanti) has come along
for the fun disguised as a lowly captain. He arranges to be
paired with Antiope, naturally falling for the haughty but beautiful
Amazon queen. Will his charm dissuade her from her purely sapphic
ways? Meanwhile, the ambitious Oreitheia plots to kill Antiope
and usurp the throne...
Made with a decent budget and good production values, War
Goddess is a schizophrenic
film that doesn't seem to know whether it wants to be a tongue-in-cheek
sex comedy or a "Sword & Sandal" action pic. It
fails on both counts, so all we're left with is some mildly
interesting nude scenes and not enough of 'em, sad to say. Those
goodies at least seem to have been left in, thankfully —
up to 20 minutes of footage is missing from Retromedia's DVD
presentation (according to the IMDB). The middle section of
the film is so hamfistedly choppy as to be almost incoherent.
For example, Antiope and Oreitheia go from mortal enemies at
each other's throats to clingy, supportive girlfriends in the
blink of an eye (or rather, edit), with no explanation whatever.
Retromedia cobbled this print together from various sources,
which were either incomplete or had sections too damaged to
use, but it seems they had their hearts in the right place —
better to toss the plot than the pulchritude! There are certainly
some nice examples of that on display, as most of the
Amazons are of course good lookin' babes —
with a penchant for big false eyelashes —
instead of hairy-legged warrior
women in comfortable footwear. Alena Johnston,
who at times uncannily resembles former USA Up All Night
hostess Rhonda Shear, definitely qualifies as eye candy
(there's no point in discussing her acting, is there?), while
amongst her fellow gladiator gals are such Euro-starlets as
Rosanna Yanni (Kiss Me, Monster)
and Rita Calderoni (Delirium).
Blink and you'll miss 'em, though, as their parts, like that
of Lucianna Paluzzi (Thunderball)
as a Greek spy, are very, very brief. This is Johnston and Sun's
show, with the latter the most willing to drop her toga at the
slightest provocation. (Sun may have a face that looks like
she's been around the block a time or two, but a very athletic
body.) Their wrestling bouts are the only reason this movie
even exists. The second match-up, I must say, is a true Horndog's
Delight... Stark naked,
coated in oil, the ladies go at it tooth and nail on a floor
covered with furs, while a storm rages outside and flashes of
lightning strobe the room. Yowza!
Upon purchasing the
DVD, I was surprised to learn that War
Goddess was directed by Terence Young, the man behind
those great '60s Bond films with Sean Connery. It's kind of
sad to think that, within a decade, he was reduced to making
silly sexploitation pics like this. Then again, maybe he was
simply having a blast, relishing the chance to re-stage the
gypsy catfight in From
Russia with Love with the combatants first topless, then
totally in the buff.
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As
with the last Sword & Sandal "flipper" DVD released
by Retromedia (see our review of Mole
Men Against the Son of Hercules), it is the Side B film that
really caught my attention — actually, War
Goddess is just a glorified bonus feature. The main attraction,
on Side A of the disc, is War Gods of Babylon
(1962), a fairly opulent Italian production starring American
character actor Howard Duff. (This was his only European film.)
He plays the king of Assyria, who falls for his brother's hot
barbarian girlfriend (Jocelyn Lane) just as he's installing the
younger sibling as ruler of Babylon. War between Babylon and Assyria
is then easily triggered by Li'l Bro's treacherous advisor, who
plans to take over the empire himself. (It takes a sluggish hour
or so to establish this thin wisp of a story.) We get a couple
of brief, dull battle scenes, after which the film is capped by
a flood sequence involving some rather elaborate miniature effects.
Suddenly it's a disaster movie! Handsomely mounted, War
Gods is unfortunately a total snoozer in every other respect.
It gets a decent release with this DVD, presented in 2.35:1 anamorphic
widescreen. Colors are somewhat faded-looking, particularly in
outdoor scenes, and there's minor print damage here and there.
The dubbed mono audio track is serviceable enough.
War
Goddess,
regrettably, is in comparatively shoddy condition. Damaged and
littered with dirt, with vertical green emulsion lines making
lengthy appearances, it looks pretty terrible at times. (Retromedia
offers an onscreen apology for its condition before the film starts,
saying it was the best they could do under the circumstances.)
Some scenes are just too dark, to include — naturally — the two
Johnston vs. Sun wrasslin' matches. (That's why God made TVs with
"Vivid" or "Sports" mode, guys!) Although
shown in 1.33 fullscreen and not its correct AR, the framing of
this non-Scope film doesn't appear that badly compromised. Audio
quality is okay at best; the mono track doesn't do much for composer
Riz Ortolani's score, which is thoroughly undistinguished at any
rate (and often used at inappropriate moments to boot).
Neither film comes with any extras whatsoever — nope, not even
a trailer. NOTE: My DVD Rating of '4' factors in the total
value of this double feature package, even though only one of
the films is actually reviewed here. (Were the disc a few bucks
cheaper it'd probably merit a '5'... Maybe.)
8/13/06 |
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