Witchery

Italy - U.S.A. | 1988 Directed by Fabrizio Laurenti Starring David Hasselhoff Linda Blair Hildegard Knef Color | 96 Minutes | Not Rated Format: DVD (R1 - NTSC) Shriek Show

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2     5   10 = Highest Rating

"They've got a bunch of legends about this island. Witches and rainbows and shit."     Uh huh.     "Witches and rainbows and shit" — the most memorable line of dialog — pretty much sums up this Italian-U.S. co-production. Yes, it does feature an evil witch. "Rainbows" could apply to the pathetically lame FX used to visualize a 'dimension door' to said witch's supernatural realm. Shit describes just about everything else in this nigh-on incomprehensible horror flick.     A deserted, run-down resort hotel on an island off the Massachusetts coast is the primary setting. Local lore concerning the island draws occult writer Leslie (Leslie Cumming) there for study — witches were supposedly burned on the site now occupied by the hotel back in the 1600s, while legends of a mysterious "witch's light" emanating from the island have persisted over the centuries. Accompanied by her photographer boyfriend Gary (David Hasselhoff, pocketing a quick paycheck in between Knight Rider and Baywatch gigs), she sets up camp in the empty hotel for a few days to pursue her research. Technically the couple is trespassing, since no one is authorized to visit the island without permission from the real estate company that owns it. Gary's hopes of turning the excursion into a romantic getaway are scuttled by the frigid Leslie, who has retained her virginity well into her 20s and wants nothing to do with sex. (She won't give it up to The Hoff? Impossible!) Meanwhile, in Boston, the well-heeled Brooks family is preparing for a day trip out to the island. Penny-pinching Mrs. Brooks (Annie Ross, Basket Case 2 & 3) is thinking of buying the hotel and wants to evaluate its investment potential. Joining her is husband Fred (Robert Champagne), pregnant stepdaughter Jane (The Exorcist's Linda Blair), and young son Tommy (Michael Manchester). An attractive, oversexed architect (Catherine Hickland) and the dorky realtor (Rick Farnsworth) complete the party. Weird, inexplicable events begin to occur almost as soon as they arrive. Little Tommy sees a darkly-garbed old woman peeking from the upper-floor windows, the same "Lady in Black" who spoke to him in a Boston park that morning before the family left on their trip. Jane is pulled — through a bathtub drain! — into a sinister dream world where she witnesses a pair of shabby geezers munching on a rubbery-looking fetus. Although this episode is assumed to be nothing more than a hallucination brought on by Jane's condition, the group decides to return to the mainland. But this proves impossible — the boat that brought them is gone. (The skipper has been murdered by the mysterious Lady.) Stranded, with a storm brewing, they have no choice but to go back to the hotel. Leslie and Gary, who've been keeping out of sight while the Brooks' made their tour, now reveal their presence, joining the others to wait out the storm. They, too, must stay since Gary's small inflatable Zodiac can't handle the wind-whipped waves.     Most of those assembled will not survive the night. Haunting the hotel is the Lady in Black (German actress Hildegard Knef), who can move at will between our world and what appears to be Hell. Her sorcery requires human lives, taken in excruciatingly painful ways...     While straightforward enough on the surface, the plot of Witchery really doesn't make a whole lot of sense. The Lady in Black has "carefully chosen" the victims she requires for the sacrifices to extend her existence, drawing them to the island. Among these is the pregnant Jane. Yet, before leaving Boston, Jane is nearly killed in a construction site 'accident' caused by the witch. Why does the Lady try to kill Jane if she needs her and the baby? Actually, the witch's motivation in all this — something to do with opening the "Three Doors to Hell" — is just ill-conceived hooey, a flimsy excuse for the killings. (Since she already has ready access to the Satan's domain, why does she need to open these doors?) The Witch's Light seems to be included merely to use a cheesy optical effect, after which it completely disappears from the story altogether. The same goes for a 'haunted' film projector which Gary finds and sets up. It cuts on by itself, despite lacking a power source, to show the stranded 'guests' footage of the Lady in Black and past events at the hotel for absolutely no discernible reason. Perhaps the evil sorceress just likes to torment people with boring home movies before she murders them... For viewers of Witchery, torment of another kind is supplied by the horrendous acting of Cumming (Zombie 5: Killing Birds), who mumbles her way through the dialog as though wasted on Quaaludes, and Michaelson, perhaps the worst child thespian I've ever seen. (This was the kid's only professional gig; it's very easy to understand why.) Regrettably, the film totally blows its best stabs at genuine horror. The supernatural realm into which the Lady pulls her victims is realized with unpainted two-by-fours, chicken wire and a fog machine — I've seen Halloween haunted houses sponsored by the Jaycees more effective than this! The film's editing is generally quite poor, undermining most of the death sequences. The most egregious example: by lingering on the lip-sewing effect much too long the viewer is given ample opportunity to pick apart the makeup job. The witch's servant appears to stick the needle through the same spot over and over again, taking what seems like five minutes just to get a couple of stitches in. What starts out horrifying quickly becomes silly.     So the film is poorly written, shoddily edited, special effects list to the lame and some of the acting is atrocious or laughable... Was there any reason to release this turd on DVD? I suppose the gruesome lip-sewing/fireplace death stuck in some memories, although it's my understanding that not many people were able to see this uncut on VHS in the U.S. and Britain. Beyond that, there's only Linda Blair getting possessed for the umpteenth time and Hasselhoff's James Mason impression. (Don't ask.) Oh yeah, The Hoff gets a face full of arterial spray, too. I suppose that counts for something.

Shriek Show's DVD showcases a generally clean, good-looking print of the film exhibiting a minimum of damage and dirt. Anamorphically matted at 1.85:1 (from the original 1.66), a few scenes appear noticeably cropped at the top and bottom. This might disappoint admirers of David Hasselhoff's puffy 'do — the summit of which is lopped off from time to time — but for the rest of us it's just not that big a deal. The disc's mono English audio track (with all the actors providing their own voices) is solid without being particularly notable.     No Witchery-specific extras are included, although the same "Joe D'Amato Trailer Reel" featured on other Media Blasters/Shriek Show releases is tossed in as consolation. (Witchery was produced by D'Amato's company Filmirage.) 10/27/06

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