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Mother
Goose (Hal Smith, town drunk "Otis Campbell" in The
Andy Griffith Show) is being put on trial for "disturbing
the peace, unlawful assembly, and murder(!)... murdering our
most valued children's moralistic teachings." To prove she's
the real deal, Mother Goose tells "the real version" of three
very well-known fairy tales: Jack and the Beanstalk,
Cinderella, and Little Red Riding Hood. Only "the
real version," according to Mother Goose, involves sex — good,
old-fashioned sex... With cartoons.
In
"the real version" of Jack and the Beanstalk, Jack plays
a peeping tom (with an annoying stutter stolen from Porky the
Pig) who dry humps a hole in a tree while watching a fair maiden
pleasure herself. When that proves to be a catastrophe (a squirrel
living in the hole bites his dick!), Jack goes to suck the udders
of a cow. His mom comes over and tells him to sell the cow so
he stops his sucking. In his travels, Jack encounters the 8th
dwarf from Snow White (a flasher) and a sexy gypsy goddess
that gives him magic beans for the cow. Jerking off while thinking
about the cow's tits leads to a load landing on the beans outside
of Jack's house. From those beans and that cum grows a phallic
beanstalk that takes Jack up to a castle in the sky, inhabited
by a very horny maiden and her husband. I won't say what happens
in the end, but let me just say that Jack finds himself in a
very sticky situation. (Yikes!)
In "the real version"
of Cinderella, Fortunato (a promiscuous suitor) and his
daughter Cinderella are duped by Morta (a really, really
ugly woman). Morta gets a beauty potion from the Wicked Witch
of the Whang (I shit you not, Whang) which tricks Fortunato
into marriage. When the spell dissipates, Fortunato goes crazy.
Morta, denied the riches of Fortunato due to his madness, forces
Cinderella to labor for her and her two other daughters (who
have a weird penchant for mutual masturbation). Meanwhile, the
prince of the land, in need of a bride, holds a ball to look
for his woman. Morta denies Cinderella permission to go, but
that won't stop Cinderella! With her fairy godmother no help
(she mistakenly turns Cinderella into a pumpkin!), Cinderella
arrives in a string bikini made from the two pieces of garment
left over from her stepsisters' dresses. The prince is star-struck.
The two fuck in an orgy of rainbows, stars, and moonlight. The
clock strikes 12:00, and Cinderella runs off. Will they get
together? Oh, come on, you know this story!
In "the real version"
of Little Red Riding Hood (probably the best of the three
animated segments), Red needs to get to the wedding, but is
stopped by several men who demand "the price of passage" —
sex. During intercourse, she sees wild colors appear in the
sky and the trees. She has had an orgasm. She wants more. Toward
the end of the journey, she gets so used to fucking every man
she comes near that she jerks off one guy she just happens to
run into. Arriving at the wedding in her birthday suit, she
incites an all out... well, you'll just have to see for yourself!
By the end of all
of these stories, the courtroom begins having an orgy of its
own! The judge starts feeling up the stenographer, the prosecution
licks her feet, and the jury box is in full-swing orgy mode.
Mother Goose has proved her point, and every one lived happily
ever after. ("BULLSHIT!")
This movie was directed by Don Jurwich (animation)
and Jack Conrad (live-action). Jurwich, as some of you may know,
was a layout and design artist for animated shows like The
Flinstones, George of the Jungle, and Josie and
the Pussycats (as well as a producer for Scooby-Doo and
Scrappy Doo). This film was obviously a way of saying "fuck
you" to every Disney cartoon the filmmakers had ever seen. They
were also trying to poke fun at the fairy tale genre while at
the same time put in a little — strike that— a LOT of sex. Well,
they got one out of two...
The problem with the film is that the acting
and dialogue is sub-par. For example, in "Jack and the Beanstalk,"
the characters spout out lines that are just plain embarrassing
(for us and them). Didn't anyone ever tell them that no one
likes dialogue with porn?! When Jack was sucking off the cow,
Mother Goose said, "Look at that little sucker suck! That kid
could suck the nipples off a troll!" I mean, come on! I could
write better stuff than that! "Make sure she hasn't passed her
expiration date!" Now, that would have been a nice addition.
The
sad fact is that this movie isn't that good. Coming from shows
like The Flintstones and Josie and the Pussycats,
you'd think Jurwich would put in more creative material, but
it's mostly just a lame excuse to see cartoons doing it. In
fact the only real high point in the film is when the king in
the Cinderella tale says, "I've got to get you [the prince]
married and screwing to insure a line of succession!"
Don't
get me wrong, all of the cartoon sex scenes are stroke-worthy,
but after seeing a lot of porn (I can't believe I'm going to
say this), I've come to expect, nigh, appreciate a little more
than just the standard humpin' and pumpin'.
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