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SCHOOLGIRL
REPORT VOL. #8
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Review
by
Doug Red
Film:7
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DVD:6
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| Slovenly
fatso Mr. Huber peers pervertedly at a bubbling bevy of nubile
20 to 30-year old 'schoolgirls' taking a sensuously soapy group
shower. After he's found out and thoroughly humiliated with a
good dunking and chastisement, Huber blurts out his poor verbal
defense: "But I only wanted to..." to which comely nude
accuser Ami answers "Everybody does." Director Ernst Hofbauer's
Schoolgirl Report 8 really lives
up to that exchange; in the film, everybody wants to get off with
the beautiful person of their dreams, and everybody in the audience
wants to see it. |
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Part
of the justly (in)famous Schoolgirl Report series, Volume
#8: What Parents Must Never Know from 1974 deals with a
number of girls on a school retreat to a remote hostel. The bulk
of the story involves the long bus ride as the young women discuss
their various experiences with love and sex. Like an Amicus anthology
film but with bouncing breasts instead of buckets of blood, each
of the first five segments detail a variety of storylines and
situations, ranging in tone from broadly comic to relatively serious.
The first tale involves a young lady's multiple attempts at seducing
her family's shy gardener, first by flashing him in the greenhouse,
then setting up a situation in the family bathroom (involving
soaping up the floor) where he'd have to see her glorious physique,
and finally she takes advantage of his self-abuse after she spies
him romancing a poster of Christina Lindberg. The second tale
is the most serious of the lot, with busty brunette Annette's
seduction of young stud Jurgen, a poor but hardworking lad who
makes her pregnant after she unwisely uses sex to cement their
relationship, and how they decide to deal with the situation of
Annette's uncompromising father. The third tale involves repressed
biology teacher Fraulein Eberhardt, subjected to a comic and erotic
prank by some of her students who stage a fake robbery so she
can be seduced by her faux rescuer with the hope that she'd become
less uptight in the classroom if she got laid. The fourth tale
features the Dirty Angler, a lonely fisherman who spies two breathtakingly
nude girls skinny-dipping (one massively top heavy, the other
lean and curvy), so naturally he decides to hide their clothes
in hope of a reward, which sets off a series of comic encounters
straight out of a Benny Hill sketch. The fifth tale is somewhat
melancholy, involving a ravishing young lady and her relationship
with an older well-to do married gentleman. The relationship was
begun to save her father's job, but it comes to a crisis point
when she decides she'd like to have sex in an open field amongst
the cows instead of their usual, more controlled locations (like
the man's pool table or couch). The sixth segment comes back to
all the girls on the bus finally arriving at their destination.
It is here that some of the characters previous storylines intertwine,
along with a a new element concerning one of the young hotties'
attempted seduction of a '70s hipster teacher (complete with porn
star mustache and hairy chest) which backfires badly and leaves
the woman contemplating an appropriate revenge for her spurned
advances. |
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In
presentation, Schoolgirl
Report 8
has a little in common with that old U.S. TV standby, the After
School Special, since there are a few Very Important Lessons to
be learned; in particular the commonsense and humane end of the
pregnancy storyline could have been a prime example of that venerable
educational series. The film also has a number of refreshing elements,
showing women as self-willed individuals who can and do have sexual
desires that are of their own making, not just an extension of
what their partners expect. Women are even shown in a few of the
segments dealing more intelligently and honestly about what they
want, possessing a better understanding of their relationships
with the various kinds of men they tryst with. Contrasting with
the typical softcore film of today, all the sexual situations
in Schoolgirl Report 8 are heterosexual.
The obligatory girl-girl scenes of "Skinemax" fame are
nonexistent here, though sapphic love is teased a bit in one scene
where two girls admire each other's breasts (as the natural wonders
they are) and put in a few squeezes, and there is a light playfulness
in the group shower scene that makes you think they are going
to get crazy together, but it doesn't happen. Mostly, What
Parents Must Never Know is an entertaining romp that merges
the best part of the old nudie cuties (that is, naked girls of
varying body shapes displaying their admirable talents in beautiful
settings) along with the strengths of the anthology film — if
a particular segment isn't your cup of tea, another will be along
in a few moments that'll make up for it. The best segment for
me was the skinny-dipping, which blended ridiculous physical comedy
with astounding slow motion of gorgeous German girls running through
a well-lit forest without a single stitch of clothing on. None
of the segments are clunkers, which is more than can be said for
the average Amicus anthology. Schoolgirl
Report 8 has passed its final exams with flying colors
in terms of wonderful old-fashioned erotic entertainment; it's
what parents must never know, but which audiences should embrace
to indulge their inner horndog. |
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| Impulse's
2012 release of Schoolgirl
Report Volume #8:
What Parents Must Never Know is presented
on DVD in 16x9 (1.66:1) anamorphic widescreen. Visually the film
looks better than most modern softcore productions, with exquisite
lighting and camerawork, and the print doesn't betray its age
except for the '70s fashions and the all-natural women whom a
plastic surgeon never transformed into something other than human.
(NOTE: The opening credits sequence — the same one used for all
the films in the series — looks faded and washed-out but this
changes once the actual story gets going.) The uncut print is
in German (Dolby Mono) only, but it comes with first-rate optional
English subtitles. Even if you speak German, I recommend giving
the English subtitles a view, though. The translations are easy
to read and actually add to the viewing experience. There are
moments where the translation is perhaps more literal than makes
sense, leaving the viewer with great absurd lines like, "I
think I sprained my ass" or "It takes two to breast feed."
5/10/12 |
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