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Scores:
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THE
FABULOUS JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH -
Spain (1976)
Code
Red
G |
Color |
91 Min. |
R0 - NTSC
DVD released October 31, 2006
.........
Firstly, I
question why Code Red would release this G-rated children's film,
since their typical fare consists of exploitation and horror.
Second, I question why anyone would put this thing on DVD at all
— because it really, really stinks. Anything but fabulous, this
dull, cheaply-staged Spanish adaptation of Jules Verne's classic
novel — shot with the actors mouthing their lines in English,
later looped — seems to have been an attempt to cash in on the
mild revival of dinosaur/fantasy flicks in the mid-1970s (The
Land That Time Forgot, At
the Earth's Core). It more or less follows the general
outline of the book except for the jarring insertion of a time-traveling
scientist who carries around some kind of futuristic device that
looks like an electric toaster from the 1950s. (???) Rubbery
sea serpents, hippo-sized turtles (which can barely move) and
a 25-foot tall gorilla (a guy in a silly ape costume) provide
what limited monster action there is. Watch the actors cling to
their flimsy wooden raft as it's supposedly tossed about in a
raging storm, the water as calm as a swimming pool despite the
offscreen fire hoses and wind machine. Unfortunately, none of
this is so bad that it's laughable — it's just bad. Veteran British
actor Kenneth More, Jack Taylor (Franco's
Succubus),
and Spanish performers familiar from the Blind
Dead movies (Frank Braña, Lone Fleming)
try to make the best of the situation but to no avail. Children,
to whom this movie is geared, will be bored to tears. Directed
by Juan Piquer Simón, who would later bring us the notoriously
stupid slasher pic Pieces (1982).
•
• •
Code Red's anamorphic
1.78:1
transfer, from a source using Spanish titles, is satisfactory,
even if some of the subterranean spelunking scenes look a tad
dark and there's a sheen of grain throughout. The dubbed English
audio track is similarly adequate. (Kenneth More provides his
own voice.) The only significant extra is the alternate U.S. opening
credits sequence, under the title Where Time Began, which
adds some brief narration and an absolutely horrid pop song. A
still gallery, the theatrical trailer and trailers for other sci-fi/fantasy-themed
Media Blasters releases are also included. (Among them Legend
of Dinosaurs and Monster Birds, a Japanese monster movie
that apparently includes a country and western musical number!)
- B. Lindsey
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Film:
1 |
DVD: 5 |
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SANTA
CLAWS
- U.S.A. (1996)
POP
Cinema/Shock-O-Rama
R |
Color |
75 Min. |
R0 - NTSC
DVD released October 10, 2006
.........
During the
Christmas holidays, a B-movie scream queen/pinup model is stalked
by an obsessed, murderously psychotic fan... Blah blah blah. You
know the score, sight unseen: women get naked, people die. Apparently
the raison d'être for Santa
Claws
was to plug the fan magazine writer/director John Russo was publishing
at the time, Scream Queen — it gets a very prominent mention.
In the film, the magazine is producing a low budget horror video
called Scream Queen Christmas — try saying that
three times fast! — starring B-movie celebrity Raven Quinn (Debbie
Rochon). Her most ardent admirer, the disturbed young man (Grant
Cramer) who lives next door, spraypaints a cheap Santa costume
black and goes on a killing spree with a garden weasel. (Really.
A frickin' garden weasel.) Santa
Claws touts its lineage to the original 1968 Night
of the Living Dead as a selling point but you wouldn't
know it from watching this cheap-looking, amateurish piece of
crap. (Russo co-wrote NOTLD with
George Romero and directed the minor cult fave Midnight;
three members of the NOTLD cast have
small roles in the flick.) Rochon, whose films have never really
proven worthy of her talent, is the only real reason to endure
it. Not only is she beautiful, she acts circles around everyone
else in the cast, who are just plain terrible. (Cramer's over-the-top
rantings are good for a laugh or two, though.) Gore is practically
nonexistent; only the frequent nudity, served up as Christmas-themed
striptease acts for the video shoot, will appeal to exploitation
junkies. Rochon doesn't whip out her love muffins until the final
twenty minutes but she's almost worth the wait. For best effect,
I recommend turning off the cheesy soundtrack and playing the
naughty Yule classic "Santa Baby" while Debbie's doing
her thing. • • • The
"10th Anniversary Edition" of Santa
Claws doesn't look or sound so hot, given that it seems
to have been sourced from videotape. Even so, the film was made
so cheaply that I'd think most of the problems stem from the original
production — that's certainly the
case with the audio, which is sometimes muffled or too low, indicative
of poor sound recording. (Attempts to remedy this in post via
clumsily inserted looped dialog only makes things worse.) A low
price and some decent extras compensate for these shortcomings.
In a 15-minute interview featurette with Debbie Rochon, recorded
recently, the actress discusses her
association with Russo, the filming of Santa
Claws,
her thoughts on the horror genre and the
role of the scream queen within it. She's an interesting person
and smart conversationalist, making this piece the highlight of
the disc. Another interview featurette (5
min.) sees
Bill Hintzman talk about his role as DP on Santa
Claws and his appearance as the cemetery zombie in NOTLD.
A deleted scene, blooper reel and trailers for other Shock-O-Rama
titles are also included.
- B. Lindsey
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Film:
2 |
DVD: 6 |
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CINDERELLA
2000 -
U.S.A. (1977)
E.I./Retro-Seduction
Cinema
R | Color |
95 Min. | R0 - NTSC
DVD released October 3, 2006
.........
In the field
of exploitation movies there is bad, terrible and then there are
Al Adamson-directed films. Every single one of his cinematic efforts
I’ve seen has been akin to a root canal done without anesthesia.
I’ve never been sure if he was a terrible filmmaker or just didn’t
give a damn about what ended up on screen. Cinderella
2000 is a miserable film and may well mark the end of my
Al Adamson viewings for this lifetime. (But I’ve said that before.)
Set in the year 2047, it transplants the Cinderella fairy tale
to the future and compounds the stupidity by making it a musical.
An awful musical, but there you are, with the story being
merely the frame onto which various soft-core sex scenes are hung.
Cinderella (Catherine Erhardt), her stepmother and her evil stepsisters
live under a repressive government that has outlawed sexual activity
of all kinds unless specifically sanctioned. The tyrannical government
leader (Erwin Fuller) is a bumbling moron with a secret stash
of porn magazines, who seems both clueless about sex and fascinated
by it. His official sexual surrogate Tom Prince (Vaughn Armstrong)
has become disillusioned with the sex he is required to have with
women who are bored with computer ordered couplings. Tom wants
a chance to feel that spark of excitement he felt long ago when
servicing beautiful ladies, so he convinces the Leader to hold
a large party and permit the attendees to have sex. Cinderella’s
extraterrestrial Fairy Godfather (Jay Larson) cleans her up and
sends her off to ball — uh... I mean to the ball. There
she meets and sleeps with Tom Prince, but after she sprints off
before midnight poor Tom must conduct a search for her throughout
the city with only his penis as a guide. 90 minutes of utter drudgery
is the best description of this sucker. Creating a film with so
much female nudity yet this dull is a part of Al Adamson's special
magic. A comedy without humor, a musical without style, a sex
film without eroticism — Cinderella 2000
is all of this and less. Not even the out-of-nowhere Snow White
midget orgy scene is enough to recommend it... Believe it or not!
Save yourself and pass on this cinematic pain like the smart folks
you are. •
• •
Retro-Seduction’s DVD of the film is a mixed
bag. The movie looks pretty bad, with the sides of the widescreen
image lopped off for a Pan & Scan presentation that brings
back bad memories of '80s videotapes. That the picture is fuzzy
with smeary colors makes it look even worse, adding to my feeling
that ‘Retro’ here harkens back to the bad old days of indifferent
video producers. But on the plus side are some extras that actually
deserve the name. There's the (God help me) even longer European
version of the movie, which adds about 14 minutes of boring nude
groping; an insert booklet with the transcript of an interesting
conversation with Adamson biographer David Konow; and a very nice
collection of trailers for some of the director’s other movies.
Since his films are better the shorter they are, I found the trailers
to be great fun. But the best extra is the commentary track from
producer Sam Sherman. Mr. Sherman seems to want to do a track
for every film he was involved with and if this one is any indicator
I hope that happens. Funny, informative and completely spellbinding,
this track is well worth the price of the DVD. Sherman ranges
all over the place, talking not just about the film but its marketing,
casting and the odd political climate of the times. He’s fascinating
in a way Cinderella 2000 certainly
never is.-
R. Barnett
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Film:
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DVD: 6 |
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STREET
TRASH: MELTDOWN EDITION
-
U.S.A. (1987)
Synapse
Films
Not Rated |
Color |
102 Min. |
R0 - NTSC |
2-Disc Set
DVD released September 26, 2006
.........
The best motion
picture ever made about melting winos and exploding bums (that's
the American meaning of "bum", y'all, as in "vagrant"),
the gore-drenched Street Trash
has been covered before in the pages of EC, when Synapse issued
a single-DVD edition in August 2005. (You can read that full-length
review here.)
Since I'm pretty much in agreement with contributor Rod B.'s assessment
of the film, I don't see the need to cover that ground again —
instead we'll take a quick tour of all the goodies Synapse has
included in their brand new Meltdown Edition, a jam-packed
double-disc set. •
• •
Everything from
last year's single-disc version, with
the exception of Michael Felsher's liner notes and
the "Tenefly Viper" gag stickers, has been ported over.
This includes the excellent hi-def 1.78.1 anamorphic widescreen
transfer and mono sound mix. Added for the Meltdown set
is a new 5.1 Surround audio track lending real sonic oomph to
the proceedings. Complimenting the main feature on Disc 1 are
two audio commentaries, the first with writer/producer Roy Frumkes
and the other with director James Muro. (The latter is naturally
the more technical of the two, while Frumkes covers a broader
swath of subjects. Each of the tracks is interesting and worthwhile
in its own right.). Disc 2's main offering is the feature-length
documentary The Meltdown Memoirs,
which, at two hours' running time, is more than 20 minutes
longer than Street Trash itself!
Virtually everything you could ever hope (or want) to know
about the film —
the events that brought the main movers and shakers together;
the lengthy development of the project; the 13-week shoot and
over-the-top special effects; the final marketing and distribution;
"Where are they now?" —
is
covered in great detail. Rounding out this definitive, primo package
is the original 16mm student film version of Street
Trash (15 min.), the promotional teaser, a gallery of black-and-white
photos taken during location filming, and
a liner notes insert on the making of The Meltdown Memoirs.
All told it's an absolutely first-class DVD presentation.
- B. Lindsey
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Film:
6 |
DVD: 10 |
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ELVIRA'S
MOVIE MACABRE:
THE DEVIL'S WEDDING NIGHT
-
Italy (1973)
SHOUT!
Factory
Not Rated |
Color |
99 Min. |
R1 - NTSC
DVD released September 19, 2006
.........
A 1983 episode
of Movie Macabre, the syndicated "creature feature"
show hosted by busty goth temptress Elvira (actress/comedian/Vegas
showgirl Cassandra Peterson), is re-created with this new DVD
—
sort of. The Devil's Wedding Night
was run on Movie Macabre but definitely not in the form
used for this disc; here we get all the sex, nudity and lesbianism
that had to be clipped out for TV. (Yes!) The original
Elvira host segments, taken from a decently preserved videotape
source, are incorporated into this uncensored version. As for
the movie itself, it's a rather ho-hum gothic Eurohorror from
the early '70s which, if not for the all the nudity and sleaze,
would be a chore to sit through. Twin brothers Carl and Franz
(both played by Mark Damon) journey to Transylvania in quest of
the Ring of the Nibelungen, a mystic bauble said to possess great
power. According to legend its last owner was the vampire Count
Dracula. He's long dead, so the ring —
its blood-red gemstone the size of a Reece's Peanut Butter Cup
— is now worn by his wife, the Countess
(Lady
Frankenstein herself, Italian genre siren Rosalba Neri).
She seduces Franz and tries to kill Carl, all in preparation for
a "Black Mass Wedding" in which the former is to be
possessed by the evil spirit of the Count and reunited with her.
Along the way she makes time for a lesbian tryst with her "zombie"
maid and writhes naked, covered in blood, in a sarcophagus. (Definitely
a memorable scene, that!) Throw in a burly bald henchman with
a unibrow (looking like a refugee from a Mexican wrestlers vs.
monsters flick) and a bevy of naked, sacrificial virgins, and,
well... you still don't have a very good movie. There are a couple
of unintentional laughs (the aforementioned henchman, a giant
bat), but the only real reason to watch this is for Rosalba's
sexy nude scenes. Her fans — and/or
those of the "Mistress of the Dark", horror hostess
Elvira — will probably find this
DVD worth the time and expense; it's a bargain bin disc priced
in the $5 - $10 range. • • • The
Devil's Wedding Night
has never been properly released on North American DVD, and it
doesn't get one here. At least this Movie Macabre edition
is sourced from film, as opposed to muddy VHS dub, and presents
the flick in the correct widescreen aspect ratio. It restores
the snipped nudity, too. Beyond that, however, things get problematic.
The print is beat to hell, marred by jarring instances of heavy
damage —
scratches, nicks and missing frames abound; vertical green lines
are present virtually throughout. The roughest sledding comes
during the first five minutes, after which things thankfully improve.
(For the most part. You'll still encounter a few really bad patches
later on, particularly around reel changes.) Audio fares little
better, although the dialog (that which isn't cut off in mid-sentence)
is always easily understandable. Still, battered condition notwithstanding,
this is the best version of the film seen to date and is likely
to be for some time. No extras are included but viewers are given
the option of playing the movie with or without the Elvira segments.
Sans hostess the feature runs just shy of 84 minutes. NOTE: The
Elvira's Movie Macabre edition of The
Devil's Wedding Night is available singly (reviewed here)
and also in a two-disc set pairing it with Andy Milligan's execrable
Legacy of Blood (1978). This double-disc
set costs about three to five dollars more.
- B. Lindsey
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Film:
5 |
DVD: 4 |
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CRYPT
OF THE VAMPIRE -
Spain - Italy (1964)
Retromedia
Not Rated |
B&W |
84 Min. |
R0 - NTSC
DVD released September 12, 2006
.........
A Christopher
Lee flick I'd never even heard of, much less seen. The cult film
legend is not the titular bloodsucker in this Spanish-Italian
co-production, however. Here the vampire's identity is supposed
to be something of a mystery, although if you're at all familiar
with Sheridan Le Fanu’s Carmilla, from which the script
was adapted, you'll have everything figured out long before the
characters do. Director Camillo Mastrocinque piles on the classical
gothic themes and motifs like there's no tomorrow: vampirism,
witchcraft, ancient family curses, heaving bosoms straining against
diaphanous pregnoirs, creepy castle corridors and crypts by candlelight
— that sort of thing. Facilitating this omnipresent atmosphere
is some excellent black-and-white cinematography expressly modeled
in the style of visual maestro Mario Bava (Black
Sunday). Adriana Ambesi (Fangs
of the Living Dead) and Ursula Davis (Spartacus
and the Ten Gladiators) provide the eye candy; the story's
lesbian angle is handled quite demurely but is unmistakably present,
not merely hinted at yet always kept implicit. While the absence
of shocks and skin, not to mention the leisurely pace, may well
dissuade the casual fright film viewer the gothic horror fan will
be in his or her element. And you can never go wrong casting Lee
as the aloof, aristocratic type. Makes for an interesting double
feature with Hammer's The
Vampire Lovers (1970), which is also inspired by Carmilla.
• • • Retromedia's DVD utilizes
an anamorphic widescreen transfer (1.85:1) taken from a nearly
damage-free print bearing the onscreen title Terror In The
Crypt. This is all fine and good, but unfortunately the contrast
is jacked up to the point where almost all detail is lost in white
or light-colored objects. While this doesn't present an insurmountable
problem in the the darker, candlelit sequences (the positively
stygian blacks actually enhance the gothic ambiance at times),
during outdoor daylight scenes it looks seriously "overheated".
It's still quite watchable, though, and to date represents the
best way to see the film in Region 1 Land. The disc's mono audio
track is flat, somewhat tinny and occasionally muffled, with low-level
background hiss present throughout — serviceable at best. (At
least the English dub is good, with Lee looping his own voice.)
There are no extras. -
B. Lindsey
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MYSTERY SCIENCE
THEATER 3000 COLLECTION, VOL. 10
-
(Various)
Rhino
Home Video
Not Rated |
Color, B&W |
373 Min. |
R1 - NTSC |
4-Disc Set
DVD released August 29, 2006 *
.........
Rhino's tenth
box set of Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes should
really please fans —
and I'd know, 'cause I've been one since 1990. The major phases
of the show's evolution are represented (the Joel and Mike eras
at Comedy Central; the move to The Sci-Fi Channel) and happily
none of the included eps are duds. With but one exception the
movies skewered here would be cheesy fun even without the scathing
jokes, barbs and puns contributed by the whimsical crew of the
Satellite of Love. Disc 1
of the four-DVD set contains Godzilla
vs. Megalon (1973), a laughably bad kaiju eiga
from the period when Toho was pandering exclusively to the smallest
kiddies in the audience. Not only does Big G thoroughly embarrass
himself (making the hilariously goofy drop-kick that was later
incorporated into MST3K's opening credits sequence), he's consistently
one-upped in the Cheese Olympics by a flying, pointy-headed robot
with a permanent Jack Nicholson grin named Jet Jaguar. Godzilla
and Jet Jaguar team up to battle the giant monsters Megalon and
Gigan; these evil behemoths are unleashed by the denizens of sunken
Seatopia, an Atlantis-like kingdom fed up with the atomic testing
of those irritating surface dwellers. The jokes fly fast and furious.
This episode, from 1990, features the classic "Rex Dart:
Eskimo Spy" bit and Jet Jaguar song. Disc
2: Swamp Diamonds (1955),
AKA Swamp Women, was Roger Corman's directorial debut.
It's a dull, plodding affair despite the short running time and
a feisty, energetic performance by Beverly Garland (always a pro).
She's one of a trio of gangster molls who escape from prison and
make for the Louisiana bayou country in quest of stashed gems.
Joining them is an undercover policewoman posing as a fellow convict;
on the way they pick up a couple of hostages, including Mike "Touch"
Connors (later famous as TV detective Joe Mannix). Although the
flick's a snoozer in its natural state, rife with trademark early
Corman padding, Joel and the 'bots liven things up considerably
with their often caustic brand of frivolity. (Naturally, you can
expect plenty of Mannix jokes.) A short pic like this leaves
room for the MST gang to squeeze in one of those educational shorts
from the '50s (What To Do On a Date) that never fail to
provide a gold mine of comedic material. On Disc
3 is Teenage Strangler
(1968), an appallingly bad murder mystery that sees members
of a high school hotrod gang suspected in a series of homicides.
A super-cheap independent production out of rural West Virginia,
it plays exactly like a "JD" pic made 10 years earlier,
right down to the inclusion of a silly pop song, "Yipes Stripes".
(A really bad silly pop song in this case.) Horrible dialog
and acting — by a cast of total amateurs
— serve as easy cannon fodder for
the guys. This episode, the second to feature Mike Nelson as replacement
host, also includes another 1950s educational short, Is
This Love? Disc 4: The
1975 sci-fi atrocity The Giant Spider Invasion
showcases one the most pitiful-looking oversized arachnids to
ever disgrace the screen. Loathsome characters (the greasy farm
couple) and stunt casting (Alan "Skipper" Hale) only
increases the cheese quotient. Mike and the 'bots make mincemeat
of it in this hilarious episode from the show's eighth season.
Packers! Whooooo! • • •
In terms of visual/audio quality MST3K on DVD looks and sounds
like watching the show via a good home dish setup; I'm happy to
report no detectable glitches or playback issues with this collection.
And this time Rhino has deigned to include substantial extras
sure to please any "MSTie". These are spread over three
of the discs. On Disc 1 is a sizable behind-the-scenes photo gallery
spanning the show's network history (1990-1999). Disc 3 offers
a 16-minute reel of outtakes/bloopers ("Poopie 2"),
while on Disc 4 is the "MST3K Video Jukebox" —
a compilation of 15 songs from throughout the show's run ("Nummy
Muffin Coocool Butter" and "Where, Oh Werewolf"
among them). With a selection of winning episodes and some fun
extras, Volume 10 should be considered essential for fans and
makes a good introduction to the show for newbies. (NOTE: My DVD
Rating of '8' is for the entire set.) -
B. Lindsey |
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*Update
This DVD set was officially pulled from the market by Rhino in
November 2006 because of legal issues. Copies are now selling
for $150 and up!
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Godzilla
vs. Megalon/Teenage
Strangler/Giant
Spider Invasion: 7
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Swamp Diamonds:
6
DVD: 8 |
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MASTERS OF HORROR: JENIFER
-
U.S.A. (2005)
Anchor
Bay Home Entertainment
Not Rated |
Color |
58 Min. |
R1 - NTSC
DVD released August 15, 2006
.........
A policeman
(Steven Weber) becomes bewitched by a strange mute girl (Carrie
Ann Fleming), with a horribly disfigured face, a fantastic body,
and an insatiable sexual appetite... Dario Argento’s segment of
Masters of Horror marks the Italian Maestro’s first experience
working from another writer's screenplay. The script by leading
man Steven Weber (Wings) is based on the Bruce Weber comic
strip of the same name, and while Argento contributed a lot of
pleasingly perverse touches of his own, the end result suffers
from being too skeletally brief to be entirely convincing. The
concept of the attraction/repulsion of sex and sexuality is ripe
for exploration, but Weber’s script —
and Argento’s treatment of it — fails
to explore its essential complexity. Events happen much too quickly,
and it’s difficult to really care for Weber’s perplexed protagonist
because his actions feel somehow forced and contrived —
as if he simply had to fall for the girl and lose control of his
life in the space of 60 minutes simply because time constraints
demanded it. One is left wondering what Argento might have concocted
on his own, writing the script as usual, but the end result is
not without merit — far from it.
In terms of content, the episode outdoes the other episodes in
sheer audacity. If it lacks the sheer creepiness of standout episodes
like John Carpenter’s Cigarette Burns
or Larry Cohen’s Pick Me Up, it goes
for broke in terms of its graphic depictions of sexuality and
bloodshed; the end result is far and away the most explicitly
erotic of Argento’s work, not to mention his most graphically
disgusting. To his credit, Argento attempts to stress the lyrical
aspects of the story, refusing to depict Jenifer as an evil monster,
but the running time simply doesn’t allow for the story to develop
in a dramatically meaningful way. Even so, the film makes an interesting
companion piece to his tongue in cheek adaptation of Phantom
of the Opera (1998) — both
can be read as variations on the “Beauty and the Beast” theme
and represent his admittedly unorthodox idea of a love story.
The director’s trademark visual stylings are evident in some isolated
shots (some admittedly taken directly from the panels of the comic
book), and the central performances from Weber and Fleming are
exceptionally strong, but on the whole it has to rank as lesser
Argento. Claudio Simonetti contributes a score, but it’s one of
his worst efforts, varying as it does from sub-Bernard Herrmann
stylings to a bland variation on the famous Deep
Red lullaby theme. • • •
Anchor Bay has done well by the Masters of Horror franchise,
but they’ve dropped the ball on this release. The only episode
to be censored for its showing on Showtime, it has been released
uncut on R2 DVD but is presented in its syndicated cut here. This
is particularly irksome since the cut footage (a closeup of simulated
oral sex, and some shots of Jenifer cannibalizing a penis in the
last act) shows up in the supplementary interview with Argento,
who says on camera that he hopes the cut images will be restored
to the film! Why Anchor Bay has allowed the most extreme of the
episodes to be watered down on DVD is open to speculation, but
I can foresee a super-duper, uncut and uncensored “special edition”
showing up in the future. The transfer looks and sounds excellent,
but the bonus material pales in comparison to other MoH
releases. Argento doesn't contribute a commentary, his interview
is limited to the topic at hand (compared to the other director
interviews, which are much more in-depth), and the most interesting
contribution is from Tony Musante, in a rare on-camera interview
about his work with Argento on The
Bird with the Crystal Plumage (for the record, Musante
speaks well of the man and the film, in contrast to the impression
Argento has given of him through the years). -
T. Howarth
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Film:
7 |
DVD: 7 |
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